My heart on my sleeve

I can't stand it when I get like this. I become emotionally involved with a woman, who has NO intention of ever being with me or loving me. It's like a sick game I play with myself. Do I like the pain? Like, who the FUCK does what I do? I sit around contemplating constantly, knowing my brain is a hamster wheel that I have no idea how to stop. I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to dream about her. And I certainly don't want to see her out and about.

I am furious with myself for letting my emotions take over my rationality. It makes me so upset, it's like I watch it happening. I can see it coming from a mile away. I don't want to see her, but then she will sweet talk me for a little while, ask me to come hang out. I always go. I let my emotions drive my heart. I need to let her go. I have actually gotten down on my hands and knees and prayed, to a God I don't necessarily believe in, that my feelings for her would be taken away. I want them gone.

I watch my rationality slip away. It's like, my mind knows every twist and turn and every direction things will turn out. I know this is acurate and that I will only be let down. However, my heart comes in a swipes my rationality away. I struggle with not only finding the rational but on following through.

I don't know how many times I have said good-bye. At this point it's no longer a threat, it is just a God damn joke to her. But, I put myself in this situation. I've laid down in hell and decided to accept it. Welp, no more, man. I am tired and exhausted and so tired of crying. If I give all my energy away to one person, what's left? It's time I start focusing on the people who do matter in my world and even focusing on myself. I need to let go. I have to let go.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Someone help me, I'm trying to climb out of this black hole.