31.

What a great birthday that just was. What a difference from last year. It makes me go back and reflect on decisions I have made, people I have let go, and people I have drawn closer to my heart. I am happy with where I am at as I turn 31 years old.

It is a good life today as I sit and think back on the last year and what has come into my life. My partner and I moved in together, I now have a dog and 2 cats. I love them all dearly, our little family.

It has been a hard year, working my fingers to the bone at work and at school. Finding little time for myself, my family, my friends, and my relationship. However, they all understand, support me, and love me while I am on this journey. I could not be luckier.

The friends I now chose to have in my life are truly a gift. Every one there yesterday came because of me and what I mean to them. They support my dreams, my goals, my desires. They all know me in ways that I do not give to every one. I am peaceful in my friendships for the first time in my life. For that I am truly grateful.

Suicide.

Why are so many people in this world committing suicide lately? Is life that hard? Is it that unmanageable? There is no rationalization, no answers, no life left. All of a sudden the person is gone and all that are left are anger, grief, and questions. Many questions, never to be answered.

Four people I know of have taken their own lives in the past couple of weeks. I wonder what is going on. Sometimes I feel there is a curse upon The Children's Hospital. It has happened on this campus, it has happened to people on this campus, it has gotten to our patients.

Nearly 11 years ago my father took his own life. It is difficult for me to understand what happened and why it happened. I know he was bipolar, but I didn't know it had gotten this bad. Four days after I said good-bye and told him I loved him, he was gone. Why? I will never know. I cannot know. Like it is a beautiful book written in a language I will never be able to read. The answers are there, I just can't make sense of them.

I think about the kind of pain one must be in to put a gun in his or her mouth, or to jump off a crane. What kind of pain and anguish must someone be in to think that is the best option. Many people call suicide selfish, but I don't think there is enough rational thinking to consider the act selfish. It is desperate and lonely, isolating.

I will never understand what drove my father or the other people around me to take their own lives. It is not an answer I will be given in this lifetime, hence I need to be okay with that. I need to be at peace with it.

Gender what?

I said genderqueer. (Insert puzzled look on face). Oh, genderqueer...what does that mean?

I don't mind the questions, just the puzzled looks. Pull it together people. What does my identification of genderqueer mean to me? I have no problem explaining that when it is asked with tact.

I feel I encompass both genders. (Insert the puzzled look). See, I don't feel entirely female nor do I feel entirely male. Androgynous, I am not. I exhibit both genders at different times.

Ah. That is what genderqueer means. No. It is what genderqueer means to me.

Feel free to ask me questions but don't judge me with your face as you do.

I am proudly masculine and proudly feminine. I am a genderqueer individual dating a woman. I am not straight, I am not a lesbian. I am an in-betweenie. Careful. Don't want to fuck with your mind too much.

Call me sir. Don't call me ma'am. First, I am not that old. Second, drop the binary language all together. And if you do fuck up and call me sir, please don't start apologizing for it like a fool. You are making things worse. Let it pass. Learn next time it is unnecessary to ask me if I need water and tacking a "Sir" at the end. Yes, I would like some water. Now leave me alone.

I must be bitter. I have to admit this is strange to me. Facing all this new discrimination. It's happening all over again.

Which bathroom? I stop dead in my tracks trying to decide. Either way the population in the restroom will challenge me. What are you doing in here? Get out. Um, I will not sit here and try to prove to you that I am just trying to urinate. Leave me alone.

And tolerance. Abolish the word. Please, don't waste your time tolerating me. Move towards acceptance, love, kindness, understanding, and empathy. Move away from judgement and betrayal.

At the end of the day, remember I am not defined by my sexuality nor my gender. My name is Liz. Nice to meet you too.

Excuse Me? What Did You Say?

Yeah. I am freaking out a bit. I cannot seem to hear out of my left ear. I think it is extremely problematic. I think it is just my Meniere's disease, but it is hard to tell. I have never felt this deaf before. I realize that going deaf is a part of all of this, but I don't know what to do about this today. It is always a fear that the hearing won't return.

Sudden hearing loss is associated with the autoimmune disorder they are testing me for. I wish those results would come back. I find it is difficult to want an answer so bad that even treatments this chemotherapy and steroids sound like a decent idea. Okay, I don't really want any of those treatments nor do I want to have an autoimmune disorder. But I do want answers.

I am trying to wait patiently and realize that maybe it is not my time to know the answers now. Maybe I am supposed to be going through this journey. Learning, growing, aching, exhaustion. I am tired of feeling terrible. I am tired of wanting to cut off my ear. I am tired of never having a sense of balance or space.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would look like if I didn't have this disease. Would it be more clear? Would I be able to hear? Would the world stop moving? Could I walk faster and exercise more? Oh the ideas that come along with this. I shall dream but for now, I live in a fog.

My loves

I have many, many loves. But I will choose to discuss two right now: Basketball and Concerts. I certainly love both. People used to ask me what my hobbies were and I always had a really hard time coming up with things. That might be a whole other blog. My point: I love Basketball and Concerts.

Okay, so I love Basketball, but mainly the Nuggets and the Celtics. I am such a little whore for both teams. Today I decided I would be devastated if I did not get to see them play when the Celtics are in town. So, today I bit the bullet and bought tickets. I am actually really thrilled I made this decision.

So, this then brings us back to my last post of needing to slow down. I decided I do not want to cut out things that are actually fun for me or all that will be left is school Liz and work Liz. Ew. Not that those people are bad, just that they cannot be all that is.

I also love seeing my favorite performers live. I used to hate going to concerts and would simply count down the moments until it was over, always hoping the song they were playing was their last. When I made a poor decision to fly to meet a girl in San Diego when I was living in San Francisco, I had to learn to just love the music and sit in it. That is how I found Sean Hayes. She drug me to the Be Good Tanya's concert. Ew again. But Sean Hayes opened for them. Amazing.

Tonight I will be taking my love to a concert in which I fell in love with the opening artist, Dan Craig, at another unexpected venue. Tonight he is opening for Bobby Long. I do not know Bobby Long's music but I figure one of two things will happen: 1) I fall in love with him, or 2) We despise him and leave. I love that my partner allows that kind of behavior, in fact endorses it.

This Candle

I burn my candle at both ends. We all know this. I work full-time and go to graduate school, again, full-time. I must be both a gluten for punishment and a gluten for poverty. I continue to accumulate student loans while training to go into a field that will not pay me shit. I feel like I must do it for the greater good. I am not greedy and not a "climb-the-ladder" type of guy. I care about humanity.

It will not last the night. I am exhausted. I really am. I feel like I am going 100mph all the time. I am thankful I dropped that third class and am wondering if something else is going to have to give. We shall see but I have been doing this awhile now and do not know if I can keep it up. I tell you though, I do not have much of a choice, so we carry on.

It gives a lovely light. I hope I am not so transparent that people know I am about to snap. Alas, many say you can read it all over my face. At the same time, it was just a week ago that people were telling me how I had a glow. It comes and it goes. I long to keep the light while realizing I am burning my candle at both ends.

To Be in Love

This whole being in love thing sure is a wonderful feeling. I can't seem to comprehend how I could fall in love with this perfect woman. Not only did I find her, but I love her and she loves me back. Life is just a little bit more beautiful because she is in it.

I hesitate to call her my girlfriend, because she is so much more than that. She is my partner, in crime, in crime fighting, in love, and in adventure. I no longer have to experience the world alone. She makes me feel a little more alive, while knowing I was okay before on my own. I know I can do this all on my own, but it is nice to finally not have to. I have a partner who helps me process emotions and time, life and love, deceit and manipulation, fears of abandonment.

I find that she loves me for exactly who I am, as I am in each moment. I don't have to hustle to move things, hide things, or fix things. I am just allowed to exist as I am and she not only tolerates it, but actually likes me for it. I feel like the luckiest guy on the earth. And no, I have no idea why she is drinking milk in this photo :)