A Quandry

So, apparently, as the token "lesbian" in the office, even though I identify as queer, I can't tell someone they look nice without being told it's getting close to sexual harassment. "Yeah, keep complimenting us," she says. In the next sentence, I joke about sexual harassment and they say, "Yep, it's getting close!" Was it a joke, maybe. Did it make me uncomfortable, definitely.

At what point did it become impossible for me to compliment a woman without it looking like I am hitting on her? When did I lose the ability to tell a woman she looks nice today? Hell, I would be happy if someone said that to me. So, why can't I say it to someone else? I intend to make her day, not harass her in any way.

Ok, so I do not believe it is harassment, not on my part anyway. Apparently I need to stop telling women they look nice. But I do ask, why does every woman simply assume I am hitting on them? Yes, I work with a great group of good looking people, myself included :), but why do you think I am hitting on you? You are straight and married and have children. I am not interested at all in a woman like that. I was just trying to tell someone they look nice today. I guess I won't say the same tomorrow.

The Neighborhood Tour

Ok, was going to put up the neighborhood tour, but blogger or my internet connection aren't happy together. Will post on facebook!

Anxiety Replaced with Beauty

I am very much enjoying this day off. Well, do I have to read for school? Yes. But I do not mind. I get to do it on my time. Enjoying my break to write while sitting out on my front porch, in the rocking chair an old woman told me was haunted. I love this chair. Maybe I love it so much because her spirit puts me at ease. Long before I believed she sat out in this rocking chair, I always stated this was the best seat in the house.

Ah, the front porch of my house is so peaceful. Looking west, watching the afternoon storms roll in. Prepared to take an extra pill if I feel dizzy. I have become my own version of a meteorologist. I must study the barometer changes in order to understand my Meniere's disease. Enough about that. This is a day of peace. A day where I can sit alone and be still. A day that brings me great joy. It is beautiful out. I will walk down to the lake and take photos. I will post some later.

I am grateful that today is full of peace and love in my heart.

Ménière's disease

Ah my ears. My heart. My head. I sit here, frustrated, anxious, all while trying to bring myself to a peaceful place. Fighting the dizziness. Trying to work with the dizziness. Both ways are terrible. I cannot decide on either. I try to find something else to do to occupy my mind. For a moment I am fine and then I stumble, the room tilts. A constant reminder.

There is always the hearing loss. A side effect of the symptoms of Meniere's disease. The cilia in my inner ear are damaged when I have these episodes. The ringing, the fullness in my ears, the eerie feeling someone has placed a glass fishbowl on my head and I don't know about it. I get a little nauseous and it passes.

"You've lost more hearing in both of your ears this time, Liz." Excellent, I think to myself. Again? I was just here a month ago. Oh well, that's the nature of this whole thing. I struggle to accept it. It's a part of me now. Oh little inner ear. How small and powerful you are.

Boundaries

So, ever since my 30th birthday, things have been changing. Rapidly. I started to realize that my personal boundaries aren't very good and I let people treat me in really shitty ways. I have been removing "friends" from my life and adding new ones. Finding a way to have people in my life who respect me as much as I respect them.

I will tell you, though, that old friends don't seem to like this transition. They are used to walking on me, wiping their shoes on my face, and they aren't adjusting well to my boundary changes. It is like there is now a wall between me and these people, because frankly, verbal abuse is no longer allowed. Not by anyone. I do not need friends who tell me I am a asshole or that my father wouldn't be proud of me if he could see me now. Those types of statements don't come from friends.

In my own personal growth surrounding boundaries, this all got jump started in school. I've started to understand that in order to help people in my professional life with their issues, I won't be able to have those people and the drama in my personal life too. I must be clear in that. I need to surround myself with people who love me and respect me. That is the only way I will be able to separate myself from taking my work home.

I want to get through this uncomfortable transition period in a better space then I am in now. Stronger than I have been. With better boundaries, well, boundaries at all. I am invested in this.