My Grace is Gone

Ok, so I have been in a super funk, as was the topic of my last blog. I find I am clinging on to a strange song... a song that makes me relate to the music, sit around my house, and try to move past whatever this is.

The song is Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews Band. I find it curious that after 3+ years without a drink, this is still the song I lean on:

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It's 2 a.m. I'm drunk again
And it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible
Then the sun refused to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone
...(classic Dave mumbling)...

Now it's not that drinking sounds like a good idea, but I know where the person in this song is and how they feel. I'm afraid I'm there, minus the booze. If only for a bit.

A Funk

A funk is a funk is a funk is a funk. Right?!? I don't know why I've been in a funk for the last few days, I just have been. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's a girl. But, you know, a funk is different than being sad about something or someone. It's like, I have no real reason to be upset about anything, I just feel off. Kind of sad, kind of happy, just kind of here. A blah, if you will.

I just write to try and process what is going on, but I don't know how to do it. I think I'll just wait out the funk. It'll go away, because they always go away. I don't even feel like faking it till I make it. I think I'll just go through the day, as routinely as possible. Hopefully something, aka me, will finally snap and I'll smile, and mean it.

Love

I always write about love or heartbreak... but always related to love. I feel with my heart. I always have. I joke, but it isn't a joke so much. I joke that I am a war of head versus heart, and it's always this way. It is always this way. I can see something for what it is, logically, it makes sense. I can look at a matter of the heart and know that I am doing the wrong this and that my heart is too involved, so how come my heart always wins?

Sometimes I think I spend a lot of time making an ass of myself, wearing my heart on my sleeve, trying to hold it together. I am an open book, so most people know how I feel about them. It's not worth it to me to keep it all in. It makes me feel as though I didn't try everything I could. I always need to try everything I can, just to be sure it's over or that I've done what I can. Outcomes are difficult, I rarely succeed in matters of the heart. But that is probably because it is out there all the time to get stepped on.

I need to look at my part in this. If I didn't leave my heart on my sleeve, I might not have such constant heartache. However, If I didn't leave my heart out there... I wouldn't be the kind, sweet, loving, caring individual I am today. Like I said, a war of head vs. heart. Always.

I find strength in my heart, in my soul and in my mind. I find love when I look around. I just have to open up my eyes to see the beauty, the pain, the hopelessness, and misfortune. Without seeing all these things, how could I recognize beauty?

Exhaustion

It is official, I am exhausted and we are only in the 4th week of the semester. If I disappear off the face of the earth, don't worry, I must be sleeping or in class or at work. You think I would be used to this having already gotten one MA degree... nope. I am officially older, more tired, and don't bounce back quite so easily.

I will definitely get used to this, but I thought it would be adapted by now, nope. Just keep on pushing through. I can do this. It's only for a couple more years. Ok, let's focus on today. Today I can work all day and get my homework done. I can do that.