Wading Through the Psychological Sludge

Walking along, feeling free, at peace with myself, head held high... enjoying the beauty that is around me. My steps are lighter and I move quicker across the ground. I hear the water that is so very calming to me. I daydream about things to come, the love I will feel, the smell of the concrete after it rains. The world is beautiful, my mind is at peace.

Beep, beep...

Wrenched out of my peace, I pick up the phone, glance at the screen and am covered in a shower of thick, black, sticky psychological sludge. It covers everything, pollutes the river, drips from the trees. It is hard to move, difficult to breathe. My chest is thick as my anxiety starts to rise. The inner peace fades from sight. My feet no longer glide across the concrete; there is a thick layer of muck...hard to wade through.

The layer of psychological sludge is not as heavy as last time, but I still need to clean it up. Shake it off the trees, remove it from the river, and work, work hard to make everything beautiful again. It's doable but the sludge is tiring, it is draining my energy, trying to take away my self-worth... making my heartbeat weaken and my walls start building back up.

I have to be quick to clean, not to let it stick to everything for too long or it will become permanent, polluting the peace and the beauty around me. I must move fast, the sludge doesn't get to win. Someone hand me a squeegee, please. Oh shit, I'll get it myself.

Living under water

My head is heavy... water fills my brain. On an ocean, it makes me sick to my stomach. My head is cloudy, floating in the tides, weathering the ebb and flow, the ups and downs. I want to get off this boat. It doesn't agree well with me. But, I can't get off this boat. It is my life, it is in my head. My feet are on solid ground but the world around me sways. I want off this boat before I get sick. I try to remain calm because panicking will only make it worse. Breathe, focus, be still. How can I be still and quiet and lay down when I am at work? It can't happen.

Maybe I will close my eyes and start to believe that I am simply on a boat, on a fishing trip, it is part of the journey. My life will be one long fishing trip in which the rest of my existence is a dream. Sometimes It feels like I am watching someone brush their teeth and do the dishes but then I have a moment when I realize it is me, it is my life... before you know it I am right back watching myself again. Right back on my life long fishing trip.

Anger in it's evolution

I am not a big fan of anger as an emotion. I find it to be draining, time consuming, and wasteful. However, today I am whole-heartedly enjoying the anger I feel in my heart. I am finding it as a tool for closure, for relief, to set boundaries, and to learn to love myself again. Figuring out slowly that after many relationships of being beaten down, worn away, and treated like shit, I started to actually believe that I was the worthless nothing they all told me I was.

This internal rage is making me wake up and see that I am not shit, I am a good person with a good heart, who puts my all into everything I do, say, and feel. I don't deserve the shit these women have put me through and I have allowed myself to go through. NO. I don't. I won't take it anymore! I am tired of letting women wound me and then dump massive amount of salt into the gapping sores.

If I don't start to grow and to set boundaries where this is not allowed, it will only happen again. I will attract another woman and let her abuse me verbally and mentally and be seduced into believing her lies. I will once again be afraid to leave, even if I am miserable.

I will move forward and upward, regaining my self-esteem, believing all the good things that my friends see in me, and smile a whole lot more. Today I feel weighed down but very free. It is a feeling I cannot descibe with words, it just is.

I'm grateful for my insanity.

As I stood at the coffee counter this morning waiting for her to pour my morning addiction, it comes over me that I have forgotten my wallet. Do I think, damn it! How will I pay for this coffee? No, never crosses my mind. I panic thinking about how I just drove to work without my ID, how I can ask Kirsten to pay for our lunch maybe and I'll pay her back...all while I pat all my pockets in disbelief that I did this. Mind you, at the same time, I am paying the woman for my coffee as I freak out. Where did that money come from? From my wallet that was in my hands. I returned the wallet to my pocket without thinking about it and continued to freak out. About 100 yards later it hit me that I was just a dumb ass. My insanity never fails to keep me amused.

On a slightly different, still slightly insane note, I am finding peace and happiness with the universe today. Man, just when I was so down and out, broken hearted, with low self-esteem, beaten to a pulp and wanted to just give up, I find it just isn't that simple. After some serious reading and Liz getting her life back together time, through lots of crying and fears and re-establishment of new boundaries, Enter, new friend-old soul, who lives over 1000 miles away. I have entered into a realm I am not used to but am seeming to embrace and adore. This beautiful woman feels like a soul who I have connected with in many, many past lives. One that I have loved and cared for before my body ever formed. A soul that is comfortable with me and in me. It is a very good and strange, longed for kind of a feeling. Like I have spent this life, thus far, searching for this soul...being tricked into thinking I have found it time and time again, only to realize I was trying to make the other souls into the soul I wanted to find.

By no means am I packing up my bags and moving 1000 miles away, and I don't feel I need too. I have finally found this soul again and it makes me calm, happy, maybe even a little complete, even from a distance. I adore that she wants what I want in this life... but I feel this is so much larger than that.