The Grump, aka Me

Wow, I am a total grump today. I try and put on a nice face when I talk to people but they can probably tell it isn't all that genuine. I feel a little crazy today. I mean, I don't want to harm anyone but I don't seem to like anyone or anything. Even my coffee is not my friend and that is just weird! In fact, I'd like to take that coffee cup and throw it at the wall. But that wouldn't be "work appropriate" now would it?

All these damn social rules we have to follow...man, I just want to freak out on all of them. I'd like to tell my co-worker where to shove her stethoscope, play bumper cars in traffic just to get people to move, scream just cause I can, wear jeans to work, hell, not even come into work. I adore the man in the movie Office Space...just start doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. Will that get me a better job and more money? Worked for him...but for some reason I don't think it'll work for me.

I want to punch my friend Dan, just cause I can. I want to sit in my apartment all day smoking cigarettes in my pajamas with endless cups of coffee and some shitty TV marathon on. But can I smoke in my apartment, no, cause the landlord says not to. Can I take a whole day just to lay there? No, cause I either have to be at work or my guilt will be telling me all the 1000 things I "should" be doing... and according to this fucked up society, spending an entire day watching TV would only make me a lazy fat slob.

Oh heaven help me break free of some of these "societal rules" so I can finally breathe!

Christmas Miracles!

Ok, so yeah, I'm not all into miracles and not entirely into Christmas, but today I have decided to call my transplant coordinators "My Little Christmas Miracles". Maybe I did it to make them laugh, but it just popped into my mind as I rounded the corner coming into work and they were all standing there.

As much as I dreaded returning to work today, it sure was nice to see their faces. It was a good start to a Monday, the hardest days of all my work days. It is busy, which I love cause the day flies right by, but it's hard cause we round about sick kids. It does make me rethink my own damn complaints and makes me want to buck the fuck up!

On the way to work this morning, I just kept repeating to myself "fake it till ya make it" cause that's what I need to do sometimes. It sure beats being all down on myself and forgetting to smile, cause that's really just a waste of a good day! Fake it till ya make it kids...

Me? Sexy?

Not only is today a wonderful sunny Sunday, but I came home to a message from a woman on a dating/facebook-ish website.  She doesn't live here, but she wrote me anyway because, well, she said my smile was too captivating not to write.  She said my smile has had her tongue-tied for days.  I was stunned, she even noted that I was sexy.  Me? Sexy? Never really been told that.  I always here that I am attractive or cute, but never sexy.

It felt awesome to be called sexy.  I finally felt, well, sexy.  A little odd but totally awesome.  She really made me smile today, but once again, I need to realize that my self-worth needs to come from within and not what other people think.  But damn, it felt wonderful.

The Blame Game

No, I am not writing this morning to blame anyone for anything.  I have been reading all morning about a certain mental illness and all the blame they project to make themselves feel better.  I am starting to scratch the surface and actually believe that this wasn't my fault.  Nothing I could do would have been the solution, nothing I could have done could have made the relationship last.

Luckily I am beginning to see that I should be happy that I dodged a bullet.  That I was clearly being mentally abused and starting to feel the worthlessness of it all and of myself.  Hold up, no, I am not perfect, but I don't have low self-esteem, I don't hate myself.  I love the way I am and the way I treat people, hell I even think I am pretty damn good looking.

I am excited this morning as I approach the world outside of the blame game.  Ok, you can never be outside of the blame game, but the way I am doesn't need to change, nor do the things I do as long as I treat others (including myself) with respect...what have I got to lose?

I have been criticized by some that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am far to quick to give myself and my heart away.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't see this as a bad thing.  I fall in love fast and hard with all kinds of people, places and things.  I put myself out there so no one needs to guess what I think or what I feel.  I am not into playing the games of "maybe I should wait 4 days to call her"... if I feel something, bring it on.  I might leave myself a little more open to heartbreak and disappointment, but I sure do see some gorgeous things.

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas Eve and I am at work, which fills a void so I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself and the fact that my significant other is no longer with me. It makes it hurt a little less, but I have to be honest in the fact that I am nervous about the long weekend.

Most people are thrilled to have 4 days off to themselves, away from their jobs, to relax and run errands and do all the things they don't normally have time to do. I guess I am simply afraid of feeling lonely, trying to motivate myself to clean my apartment and spend time with people. I have a hope that I don't just lay on the couch and cry. I am conflicted because maybe that is what I need to do. Maybe I need to cry one in a while to let it out.

Either way, I know I will be ok.

The first

Is this my first blog, yes. Do I know what to say, no. However, my brain spins like a hampster wheel with all the thoughts and all the craziness that I don't know how to release. Maybe it is ficticious to think that blogging will help. I hope blogging, like journaling, will help get out all of the crazy thoughts...in an arena where I can get them out and people can hopefully relate.

I am in the middle of trying to find myself. Just being dumped, having done little wrong, I find myself stuck and confused. Where were my boundaries? Why did I hang in there so long? What am I so afraid of? My mind reals with the questions and the answers never come. Maybe I am not supposed to know the answers.

As long as I grow from this, I will be fine, right?