A doormat no more

It appears that the less time I spend being a doormat, the more time old "friends" seem to disappear. I don't think they appreciate the change the way I do. Sorry kids, you no longer get to use my face to clean your shoes. If you don't like the fact that I am moving onward and upward, good, get the hell out of my way.

I can no longer lay idly still as I address everyone's concerns but mine. It leaves me lonely, used, and extremely exhausted. I don't like my emotions to be toyed with.

This change and shedding of old people is good. It gets me away from all that is sick and holds me down in this world. I told my mom when I was 3 that friends are like carpools, people are constantly getting in and out of the car. Well, that sure is true. Sometimes friends don't grow together, we grow apart. That has to be ok, because we have no other choice.

A Psychic Ability?

Last night I had a dream. I was just an observer from the ground, but could hear what was happening in the plane. There was a man with a bomb aboard and they needed to land the plane to remove this gentleman in hopes of diverting disaster. In my dream, the landing didn't go so well, a wing was lost, but every one on board was just fine. I watched calmly as if this would all have a fine ending.

I woke up this morning and showered, knowing it was just a dream. I didn't think much of it. I turned on the morning news, which I never do because I am normally gone by that time. She started, "Breaking News!" and continued on to explain how a plane that had left LaGuardia airport in NYC had a man on board who said he had a bomb. They had to make an emergency landing somewhere in Pennsylvania. My mouth hit the floor. It was like a scene out of a creepy movie.

I wanted to share this experience with someone and called my mother. She reminded me that I had always been intuitive and slightly psychic. She thought the experience was great, minus the man with the "bomb", and reassured me that this is just who I am. I guess sometimes I simply don't stop and listen enough. I get caught up in day to day life and forget to listen to my intuition and what the universe is telling me.

So, universe... thanks for the reminder.

Back to School

So, it begins again... another school year, another degree. I sure am anxious. I am slightly nervous and totally excited. Counseling... should open up a lot of doors for me mentally, emotionally. They say that you have to reflect on yourself many times throughout this program. I know it will be difficult, but it'll be good for me. For my relationships with others.

Sometimes I worry I'll start to think so differently during and after this next degree that I won't be me anymore. I know I will change and grow. I just hope it's for the best. It is what you make of it, right?

I believe I am a chronic student, a lifer. I already graduated from high school, with my BA in Psychology, and my MA in Human Sexuality Studies. I've only been out of school for 2 years but I am drawn to go back. I have it stuck in my head that with education becomes opportunities. But, in theory, I am already educated. So, why go back? Because NO ONE knows what to do with a degree in Human Sexuality. It doesn't help me get a better job. Nope, here I am, working as a glorified secretary. I am too over qualified for this. I know this. Why am I afraid to move on? I could be doing so much more.

I guess going back to school makes me happy. I love learning. I get so bored if I am not learning. Hopefully after this next degree I will be able to keep learning and have a career, not just a job to pay the bills. I sure am happy to be going back to school. I really hope being in school full time and working full time will be doable. If not, school comes first. Always.

Happiness is NOT an illusion

For awhile there, as you can tell from my blogs, I was super down and out. It wasn't easy to smile and some days I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, now I am finally out of the tunnel, watching the birds, the deer, enjoying the snow on the ground.

Today, I am happy. I think it has to do with letting go. I finally, without a doubt in my mind, have let go. Let go of the poison, the pollution, the people who make my heart feel sad. I am with me now, strong, silent, loving. I like the me that I am and no one gets to take that away from me anymore. I like Liz, hell, I love Liz. I know it's weird to type that, but for a long time I couldn't even bring myself to think it.

I thank the New Year, the Blue Moon, and my strength. This is a new decade, a new chapter. In this chapter, I shall succeed. I shall smile more. I shall laugh more. I will put my time and energy into those people who I love. Those who deserve my laughter, my spirit, and my love. To all those that beat me down, I will no longer allow people who abuse me to remain in my heart. Not for today... and certainly not for tomorrow.