Excuse Me? What Did You Say?

Yeah. I am freaking out a bit. I cannot seem to hear out of my left ear. I think it is extremely problematic. I think it is just my Meniere's disease, but it is hard to tell. I have never felt this deaf before. I realize that going deaf is a part of all of this, but I don't know what to do about this today. It is always a fear that the hearing won't return.

Sudden hearing loss is associated with the autoimmune disorder they are testing me for. I wish those results would come back. I find it is difficult to want an answer so bad that even treatments this chemotherapy and steroids sound like a decent idea. Okay, I don't really want any of those treatments nor do I want to have an autoimmune disorder. But I do want answers.

I am trying to wait patiently and realize that maybe it is not my time to know the answers now. Maybe I am supposed to be going through this journey. Learning, growing, aching, exhaustion. I am tired of feeling terrible. I am tired of wanting to cut off my ear. I am tired of never having a sense of balance or space.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would look like if I didn't have this disease. Would it be more clear? Would I be able to hear? Would the world stop moving? Could I walk faster and exercise more? Oh the ideas that come along with this. I shall dream but for now, I live in a fog.

My loves

I have many, many loves. But I will choose to discuss two right now: Basketball and Concerts. I certainly love both. People used to ask me what my hobbies were and I always had a really hard time coming up with things. That might be a whole other blog. My point: I love Basketball and Concerts.

Okay, so I love Basketball, but mainly the Nuggets and the Celtics. I am such a little whore for both teams. Today I decided I would be devastated if I did not get to see them play when the Celtics are in town. So, today I bit the bullet and bought tickets. I am actually really thrilled I made this decision.

So, this then brings us back to my last post of needing to slow down. I decided I do not want to cut out things that are actually fun for me or all that will be left is school Liz and work Liz. Ew. Not that those people are bad, just that they cannot be all that is.

I also love seeing my favorite performers live. I used to hate going to concerts and would simply count down the moments until it was over, always hoping the song they were playing was their last. When I made a poor decision to fly to meet a girl in San Diego when I was living in San Francisco, I had to learn to just love the music and sit in it. That is how I found Sean Hayes. She drug me to the Be Good Tanya's concert. Ew again. But Sean Hayes opened for them. Amazing.

Tonight I will be taking my love to a concert in which I fell in love with the opening artist, Dan Craig, at another unexpected venue. Tonight he is opening for Bobby Long. I do not know Bobby Long's music but I figure one of two things will happen: 1) I fall in love with him, or 2) We despise him and leave. I love that my partner allows that kind of behavior, in fact endorses it.

This Candle

I burn my candle at both ends. We all know this. I work full-time and go to graduate school, again, full-time. I must be both a gluten for punishment and a gluten for poverty. I continue to accumulate student loans while training to go into a field that will not pay me shit. I feel like I must do it for the greater good. I am not greedy and not a "climb-the-ladder" type of guy. I care about humanity.

It will not last the night. I am exhausted. I really am. I feel like I am going 100mph all the time. I am thankful I dropped that third class and am wondering if something else is going to have to give. We shall see but I have been doing this awhile now and do not know if I can keep it up. I tell you though, I do not have much of a choice, so we carry on.

It gives a lovely light. I hope I am not so transparent that people know I am about to snap. Alas, many say you can read it all over my face. At the same time, it was just a week ago that people were telling me how I had a glow. It comes and it goes. I long to keep the light while realizing I am burning my candle at both ends.