Yeah. I am freaking out a bit. I cannot seem to hear out of my left ear. I think it is extremely problematic. I think it is just my Meniere's disease, but it is hard to tell. I have never felt this deaf before. I realize that going deaf is a part of all of this, but I don't know what to do about this today. It is always a fear that the hearing won't return.
Sudden hearing loss is associated with the autoimmune disorder they are testing me for. I wish those results would come back. I find it is difficult to want an answer so bad that even treatments this chemotherapy and steroids sound like a decent idea. Okay, I don't really want any of those treatments nor do I want to have an autoimmune disorder. But I do want answers.
I am trying to wait patiently and realize that maybe it is not my time to know the answers now. Maybe I am supposed to be going through this journey. Learning, growing, aching, exhaustion. I am tired of feeling terrible. I am tired of wanting to cut off my ear. I am tired of never having a sense of balance or space.
Sometimes I wonder what the world would look like if I didn't have this disease. Would it be more clear? Would I be able to hear? Would the world stop moving? Could I walk faster and exercise more? Oh the ideas that come along with this. I shall dream but for now, I live in a fog.
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