Loss

Today hurts. Yesterday was terrible. This job can be so difficult.

"Liz, Liz" I hear her yell, "Get Alison!"

I walk to Alison's desk and find her on the phone. I return "she is on the phone."

"I need her right now, I am walking a Dad through CPR on his kid, get her now!"

This time I run, explain it to Alison, and she hangs up the phone. We run back. The phone is put on speaker. We all stand around listening to this poor father giving CPR to his child, you can hear the scuffle as the EMTs enter the room. Click, the phone goes dead.

"Liz, get everyone to the Emergency Department, tell them to meet us there. This little boy is down and being brought to us."

The frantic rush begins. I start paging our transplant doctors, our social worker, our coordinators. I'm at the helm of the control center, making sure everyone knows this poor 6-year-old has arrested and is on his way in.

Everyone finally knows, my storm is over and their storm begins. When the child and his father finally arrive, it is clear the child is DOA. After continuing to work with on the child, time of death is called. Our Transplant doc has to go inform the father, who clearly falls apart. His wife has yet to arrive, on her way from Colorado Springs. Dad sits and waits, alone. Knowing he just lost his son. He doesn't call his wife because he doesn't want to tell her while she is driving.

I have the utmost respect for the people I work with on a daily basis. Our jobs are hard, hell, sometimes they are next to impossible. It is our job. We do it well. But we can't save everyone. It is a hard reality and an even harder reality to think what his family is going through. How does someone survive the loss of their child. I don't even have kids and I cannot imagine it.

Today is a somber day, with thoughts of the boy, his family, and the collective experience we all went through together. I wish him peace.

My New House

I am pleased to announce that my hunt for a house/desire to stay where I am at, has come to an end.  I found a brilliant row home 2 blocks from Sloans Lake.  The more I looked at places, the more I realized I didn't want to leave The Highlands or Sloans Lake.  So today, I narrowed my search and I found her. 

Despite the fact I had to leave work early after "losing my breakfast" in the many stalled bathroom, I found a place I had to see.  I walked, because it wasn't safe for me to drive.  When I got there, I knew I had arrived.  

I'll finally have a house, yes a row home, but I now have my own front porch, back yard, study, basement, dining room, etc.  I can finally use my dresser as a dresser, not as an entertainment center.  The cats can run around.  I can have an art studio and a woodworking shop!  And they'll be in different places.  I can have people over to hang out, to BBQ, to relax.  

Although I feel like psychical hell, I am happy in my heart.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that my house is my peace.  It is my sanctuary away from the world.  I can finally have all the things I've been hoping for.  I listened to the universe and it all came together.  And according to my August horoscope, today was the day I was to make a big decision and listen to my heart, knowing it will pan out. This is all part of the cleanse. 

The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things

I have renamed my summer: The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things. I am sure the title could be shortened or more intellectual, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. It's my title, of my reality, of my anguish, and of my smiles.

It's like a cleanse of all things that are/were killing me slowly and sucking my will to live. This includes several women, a hard-core tobacco addiction, my living situation, and all the pain that I live with in my heart. I need to feel lighter within my chest, both literally and figuratively.

I have asked women to leave my life, who put me down and slowly beat me into a lifestyle where I believed that my opinion was stupid. That I am an asshole, that even I should hate myself and that I am always wrong. Well, the pattern rears it's ugly head again. I have to figure out how to stop this. From now on, I want to be respected, to be shown loyalty, and to be able to count on people. It's ok if only a few people fit this role... but I already know many that do. Both my family and my chosen family. To them I am eternally grateful.

I would like to find a balance so my heart can feel less isolated. Because the truth is, I love deeply, purely, and easily, and that's a beautiful thing. Maybe the fact that I do wear my heart on my sleeve makes me experience too much pain. Or maybe I just like to take risks for love, for the gift of being alive. I want to be open without building a wall around my heart.

Now I've already quit the drinking, which has taught me a ton about myself. I have to actually deal with my emotions, I can't just drink them away anymore. That's been a serious learning experience. Now I have been cigarette free for over 2 weeks. A hell of a start. Am I extra irritable? Yes. Am I hacking up a lung? Yes. Am I all achy like I am getting the flu? Yes. Is it worth it to see the kids I dream of growing up? Yes. I smoked for 15 years. That's a long time when you are only 29.

My twenties are going out with a irritable, isolated, anxious bang. But, I did have a psychic who once told me years ago, "Your 30's are going to be brilliant. That is when things are going to get much happier for you." Here's to hopin' that outlook is in my cards.

Oh Ink Patience Don't Fail Me Now!

Every single day I want a tattoo... I am trying to be patient, as I am flying to San Francisco to get my tattoo finished at the end of September.  That shall cure my tattoo need and clean out my bank account pretty quick.  I guess that's what happens when you choose giant tats that take 15+ hours to finish.  

But there are so many ideas brewing in my mind.  I already have two ideas in my mind. I know what I will be adding next.  I still am unsure where, but that will come to me.  My other scare is that I have had all my work done by the same, brilliant man... so they all relate, look alike, and flow wonderfully.  Only problem, he is in San Francisco.  I now need to find a tattoo artist here in Denver.  A whole different feat in and of itself.

My brain will figure it out, but for now, I will try and remain, well, patient. 

It's never as easy as it looks

Painting, boy is it a joy to me. I sit down, and let things flow through me... how I feel, what I see, using colors that inspire me, staying away from those that give me rage that day. It is an experience that is priceless to me. I lose all track of time.

I want a studio where I can paint, finish my book, and learn to whittle. Or, hell, even a second bedroom. However, I have made a new rule. I do not paint for anyone, I paint for me. If you like a painting and I don't want to hang on to it, it's all yours.

I painted something for a friend. I spent hours reeling over what to paint and just how to get it right. It turned out beautifully, knowing it would make my friend smile. I like bringing joy to others. When I went to arrange a time to surprise her with it, because I know she is having a bad time lately, she said "I don't have time for that right now. I am too irritated." My initial reaction, FUCK YOU, you ungrateful bitch.

I didn't tell her I had to meet her today, I told her sometime. All of the sudden a brilliant painting became an object of heart ache to me. Why in the hell did I care to do it in the first place? Who is too irritated to accept a gift handmade by your "best friend"... which leads me to an entirely different discussion in my head if she is even my friend. Alas, I won't paint for anyone again. I paint for me because it is my peace.

The August Cleanse

No, this post won't be about my a recent colonoscopy I had, its about my lease being up, my bank account scaring the crap out of me, and the ability to be able quit.  

I took a risk and included a letter to my landlord with my last rent check, telling them I thought my apartment was overpriced due to my craigslist.org hunt-a-thon for a new place.  I found I'd love a washer and dryer and boy a dishwasher would be nice!  I was consistently torn between leaving my tree house in the sky for a different place with the amenities I needed, well wanted.  I searched and searched and after two viewings, a denial and an acceptance, I decided to stay up in the hut with the birds.  

The next day my phone rings.  It's my landlord.  Such a nice man.  He tells me that he talked with the bookkeeper and they could lower my rent $50 a  month.  I jumped on it.  I thanked him.  After we hung up, I was smiling and I noticed he is calling again.  He wanted to tell me thank you and that the only reason they could do this for me was because I was his only tenant who paid rent on time every single month.  Suddenly I felt better that my rent check hit my overdraft for a whopping $600.  

So, I am staying where I am and I am happy.  I took an afternoon and did 10 loads of laundry that had been accumulating on my floor.  I felt accomplished.  I started to redesign my apartment in my mind.  What could I move?  What can I rearrange?  With the help of my best friend in the entire world, we made a plan.  I called my sister and asked if she could help me rearrange one day.  

I asked her to help one day, because I know I have a lot of cleansing I need to do.  Books and clothes and shoes.... oh my.  The art is incredible, but things will change and move and the kits will learn to love it all over again.  But before one must rearrange a lot of furniture, a lot of shit needed to be hauled out.  

I just entered my closet, garbage bags in tow, and filled up 3 in less than 10 minutes.  I will drop them by Goodwill later this afternoon when I go water Dan's flowers.

On top of all this change and anxiety, I have quit smoking.  It's been 6 days.  I feel ok, I got the initial, my body quit smoking and now you will get sick, thing.  I wear my patch, which seems to help, as I found out when I forgot to wear one on Wednesday.  I thought quitting smoking would lower my tacky white trash level, but alas, it did not.  I now gnaw on toothpicks like it is my career.  Hopefully, this too shall pass.