Humanity

Man, I feel like a lot is going on lately with humanity, or lack there of. Is it the painful experience for those at the holiday's that make them snap? I mean, I know I am having a hell of a time this lovely holiday season. My fuse is short and my tongue is sharp. I am not proud of any of this. I struggle immensely with it all. I try.

My uncle was neglected, beaten, and left for dead. He remains in a coma, kidneys shot. I pray he makes it, but his situation was so terrible, what would be best for him? No one knows but him. I give him strength to make the decision to fight or let go. I love him, that's all I need to know.

A child was brought into The Children's Hospital with severe brain damage and cigarette burns all over his arms and legs. He was only 3 weeks old. How could parents do this to their child, hell, a 3 week old helpless baby?

My friend asked her girlfriend to leave her house because their relationship was over. This girl stole her computer, cameras, clothes, and an external hard drive with invaluable pictures. Some people are severely heartless.

I was told today that I am insane, crazy really and that "everyone" thinks that about me. Well, I don't know where to put that. I am not the most stable person I've ever met, but I am not insane. My friends don't seem to think I am insane. But I let it get inside me and hurt me. It breaks my heart. Always. Should I care? No. The people who think this don't matter to me. My heart hurts.

A co-worker's best friend drank a bottle of vodka, walked into the garage, started the car, and fell asleep. Was it suicide, was she going to drive somewhere and pass out? What was so wrong to make this happen?

Like I said, maybe it's the holidays or maybe most of us are simply insane. I can't figure it out and the more I try, the crazier I get. Maybe I am self-destructing. Just maybe. I don't know. I wish I knew.

It's just the way it is.

Ok, so on a less Emo note than my recent posts... I am over the withdrawal, now it's just about slight management. After all the yelling, the screaming, and crying. I am finally done with all of it. I look back now and am slightly relieved. The worst is over. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I finally can see that this entire thing isn't, nor has ever been about me. I am not saying I don't have a place in any of it. I am simply saying, her issues are hers, not mine. And I don't need to try and take them on. I don't need to save anyone but myself.

She's like a drug

She is like a drug. Sorry to sound like a horrible Kelly Clarkson song, but shit... I can't think of another analogy. The withdrawal phase is here now. I can't do anything about it but fight it out. I need to get over the muscle pain, headaches, and cold sweats, just like a drug addict needs to do in order to get clean and live a happier, healthier life.

Ok, so maybe my participation in AA makes me see life this way, but she is a drug, a comfort, a conflict, something that I have loved for so long. When it's time to let go, it isn't easy, but it must be done... for me. Having cut things off cold-turkey, I long for a text from her, a grin, a "hey, how you doing?" Alas, it never comes. It helps me to see everyday just how little I matter to her. It's a steep curve in a very long learning lesson.

I stopped crying about the situation last week. I'm not sad. I'm not shocked. However, I am sad and shocked. It's a balancing act of figuring out what is the best for me. Walking away sounds good, but it is so much easier said than done. That's just life right? Another drug I lunged onto and another drug I must peel myself away from. This process has never killed me before, nor will this. It just aches a little. Less than it ever has before. I'm on the right path, I just wish I could see the forest through the trees. Forest, where the fuck are you?

It aches

Yep, you guessed it. I mean my heart. It aches. Losing people in your life is hard. I'm at the point where I have no option but to walk away. Say good-bye after all these years. This is tougher than I thought it would be. No wonder I put it off for so long. But, alas, it is time to let go. This will be a good thing in the long run, or so I hope.

In my heart, I hurt. I feel torn apart and have a million emotions taking over my body: I am sad, angry, rageful, anxious, shattered, and perfect. I just need to hold onto letting go, and sit and watch it go. I have to hold on to letting go, no matter how much my heart is ripped apart. I have to follow through this time.

I hate that something that will be good for me in the long run, hurts so bad right now. I can make it through this pain. I've lost many things in this world and I can do this again. God grant me strength to make it without getting completely disheveled.

My heart on my sleeve

I can't stand it when I get like this. I become emotionally involved with a woman, who has NO intention of ever being with me or loving me. It's like a sick game I play with myself. Do I like the pain? Like, who the FUCK does what I do? I sit around contemplating constantly, knowing my brain is a hamster wheel that I have no idea how to stop. I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to dream about her. And I certainly don't want to see her out and about.

I am furious with myself for letting my emotions take over my rationality. It makes me so upset, it's like I watch it happening. I can see it coming from a mile away. I don't want to see her, but then she will sweet talk me for a little while, ask me to come hang out. I always go. I let my emotions drive my heart. I need to let her go. I have actually gotten down on my hands and knees and prayed, to a God I don't necessarily believe in, that my feelings for her would be taken away. I want them gone.

I watch my rationality slip away. It's like, my mind knows every twist and turn and every direction things will turn out. I know this is acurate and that I will only be let down. However, my heart comes in a swipes my rationality away. I struggle with not only finding the rational but on following through.

I don't know how many times I have said good-bye. At this point it's no longer a threat, it is just a God damn joke to her. But, I put myself in this situation. I've laid down in hell and decided to accept it. Welp, no more, man. I am tired and exhausted and so tired of crying. If I give all my energy away to one person, what's left? It's time I start focusing on the people who do matter in my world and even focusing on myself. I need to let go. I have to let go.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Someone help me, I'm trying to climb out of this black hole.