Insurance Rage

Just like many people in this country, I am livid with my insurance company. Luckily, I am one of the many that does have insurance, thanks to my job. However, all insurance sucks. I finally get on meds to stabilize the crazy and now my insurance won't cover it? Correction, my Kaiser doctor, who said she'd do what my outside shrink wanted, now says that she won't do that.

Oh my god, no one wants to hear this shit, even me! I have bored myself just typing the first paragraph. Sick. A day of rage persists. As long as I can sit here quietly for another hour and a half and drive home without incident, all shall be fine.

Oh surgery, oh surgery, why does my heart make a fool of me...

Ok, I get it. "You're tough," "you'll be fine,""it'll be over and done with soon." I get it. So, please don't leave a comment of how I'm gunna be ok. I know I will. There is no other choice.

Am I nervous? Absolutely. I'm nervous about being out of work for 2-6 weeks and paying my bills. I'm nervous that the surgery won't work and I'll still be in pain, or more pain for that matter. I am torn, wanting to enjoy my time off but not being able to do anything. I am freaked out that the doctor prescribed me so many pain killers. I am an addict after all.

Luckily, I have a high pain tolerance. I sit through hours and hours of tattoos, have been pierced 13 times in my face and ears, and have lived with this shoulder pain for a while already. But, how bad is this going to hurt? I mean, 60 painkillers. Is that needed or is my doc just careless with his prescription pad? I don't think it is my surgeons neglect, I think I might actually need all of them. In that case... I am afraid of the pain that will be created.

I know, I know, shut up... I have a thousand different reasons to be optimistic. I am optimistic for the long run results. But, I needed to voice my fears, because the second I raise concern, people stop me to tell me how it'll all be ok. Let me finish my concerns, damn it! So, I vent here, even if it is to no one on an internet blog lost deep in cyberspace.

The Wedding

It was a beautiful wedding. The brides, the food, the scenery, the wind, the smiles, the love. It all worked. It was the most phenomenal wedding I've ever been to. I watched a beautiful couple supported by those around them, proclaim their love. It was truly one of the most incredible things I have ever been lucky enough to witness.

I think back at the wedding, only two days past, and I still tear up. I think of the raw emotion that was expressed by the guests, the brides, and myself. The feeling throughout the attendants was extreme, I've never been surrounded by so much love and support. I smiled and cried nearly the whole time. I cried for the love, their lives, the beauty, and for one of my best friends, who was finally so happy.

She and I had a kind of relationship that was a romantic friendship. In a way I'll always look at her differently, that she occupied a different part of my heart. We always knew we loved each other in our hearts, as very close friends. It was discussed many times. We filled a space for a moment in time for one another. I watched in the wings as she married the love of her life. It was beautiful.

My emotions played out far more than I ever realized they might. I am so happy for my friend, her partner, their son. Once again my cynical side has been blanketed by beauty. I, too, am happy.

San Francisco and Denver

Comparing these two cities is like comparing apples and oranges, hell, bananas and goats. They are so very different, but they both hold a place in my heart, not to be rallied by much more in this world. Both have played such an important role in my life. I have grown in both towns, laughed, cried, and have fallen madly in love.

I visit San Francisco now, as a visitor, as someone who is scoffed at when they say, I used to live here, but now I live in ..... enter whichever city you find fit. At the end of the day, the locals will look down on you. Wondering, how could you ever leave. Asking Denver!?! It's always posed as a question. Wondering, why would you ever leave a place like this for a city full off bulls, rodeos, and cowboy boots.

I say, my friend, while Colorado is a big state and every now and again you see a redneck driving his F250 down the highway, Denver isn't like that. Plus, did you miss the same exact scene pass you while we were on the bay bridge this morning on the way into San Francisco? Like I said, apples and oranges, tomaaato to-ma-to. It's cut throat here, even though a presence is maintained that this isn't the case.

It is true, one does leave their heart in San Francisco, well, part anyway. For now, the rest of my heart belongs in the country music singing, cowboy hat wearing, Colorado. Ok, totally kidding, I listen to indie music, wear converse and a baseball cap.