An Assault on Your Eyes

Does this background totally assault your eyes, or is it just me? I am going to try and get used to it for a bit. If you are horribly opposed and want me to take it down, please let me know.

Today is the day after Christmas, a day of rest. It is a beautiful day. I am calm and content. I have not a care in the world. I have an amazing family that I can see at any moment. I have friends that are absolutely incredible. They each serve a different purpose in my life and for that I love them all dearly. I am also terribly grateful that my darling has walked into my life. I felt like I had been patient, waiting for the perfect woman.

Perfect you say? Well, no one is perfect, but she is perfect for me. She makes me laugh and forces me to think. I work through things with a partner now.

I found that 2010 was full of trials and tribulations. But I am eternally grateful for the year and the experiences that I have had. I have done incredible things and met incredible people. I am blessed.

At Least I am Listening Now

I was always told that when I find someone worth finding, it would be easy. There would be little drama and the effort will seem non-existant because I will want to treat this person like a queen. I never listened or scoffed at this. It had certainly never been in the case for me in all the relationships I have had. It had always been a hassle or too much work or simply too hard.

I am happy to report I am at least listening now. I have found someone magical and it is easy. There is talking and communicating but never drama. There is no such thing as a hassle with her and doing things for her is never too much work. I love doing things for her and making her feel like the wonderful woman that she is.

To be able to have so much in common yet so much different with one person is a gift. I am comfortable and not judged while always remaining on my toes, but in a very good and exciting way. I guess the advice I received was correct. Now that I have met someone worth meeting, the drama is MIA and I love being treated like a gentleman.

She makes me feel like the perfect combination of gentleman and lady. She appreciates both of the genders I encompass. She treats me like the hope diamond. I am not afraid to exist with my heart in her hands, as I know she will be gentle when she needs to be with the perfect balance of rough. I am thrilled this is all happening unexpectedly.

A Total Dork

I find myself to be one of the biggest dorks I know. This isn't a bad thing. In fact, I think it is totally strange and awesome. Kind of a Clark Kent/Roy Orbison/Elvis Presley looking guy. A little Superman hidden in there somewhere.

I even have my own form of kryptonite. Alcohol is my kryptonite. I love it but if I touch it, it will kill me. Alcohol is my kryptonite.

I am very happy lately. I have finally found a woman worth actually finding. That is a pretty fun feeling. Not over invested, invested just enough. A balancing act living in a land of ambiguity. It will play out as it is meant to play out. As it always does.

There Aint No Rain Tonight

Psychic after psychic used to tell me to just hold on until my 30s. They warned me that my 20s would be turbulent. They were. They were rocky, albeit beautiful. Well now I am here, in my 30s and have been for 6 months. I can already tell you that my 30s have been good to me thus far. I have done some incredible things, felt some incredible things, and met some incredible people.

I feel like I am much more settled in myself. I am far more sure of myself and happier. I am making better decisions regarding the poisons I do and do not let into my life. I have cut things out and built stronger things in their places. My boundaries are more solid then they have ever been. This all feels really good.

I can't be sure if some self-awareness has led me to make better decisions or if the universe is simply applauding my decisions. Either way, it is unreal. I protect my heart more than I used to. I'm starting to realize she is like a diamond. Precious and beautiful and can even cut glass. An intense creation beating inside my chest and inside my soul. I am ruled by my heart. It always wins the head vs. heart battle. Always. I feel finally inspired by this.

I wear my heart on my sleeve with pride, finally. While I experience a great amount of pain, the amount of beauty I get to see is worth the journey. This heart allows me to see the world in a way most people couldn't even imagine. It's a strange existence.

PS... the Nuggets are playing the Celtics right now. I am so conflicted who to go for but secretly am wearing my Celtics cap. It's currently 30-11, Celtics. Of interest and sadness.

So I drew a new face and I laughed...

Here I am, resting in the land of ambiguity. Trying not to be nervous or impatient. I am just trying to sit in the moments, finding the beauty within every single event. If I begin to over think things, I panic. So, I am trying to remain calm. This is new ground for me, sitting in the ambiguity. It is a good lesson that I have needed to learn for a long time now and I am glad I met a marvelous woman to help me learn this.

Yes, you read that right. I met someone. She is kind and funny and intelligent and sexy. She makes me laugh and makes me think about things. She teaches me new ways of thinking. Ways that help calm me down. She says everything I've ever wanted to hear and more. She is a wise woman. I very much enjoy her.

She is helping me to realize I need to be calm and flexible and patient. Very patient. She is the most honest communicator that I have ever met and I am realizing that I need that in a relationship. I need someone direct.

I certainly don't know if this whole thing will go anywhere, but I sure am excited to find out. I like this woman. It's complicated, but she is beautiful in every sense of the word.

Just Another Old Love Song

Today I do not feel grateful for much. It was a down right lousy day. I won't bore you with the emotionally wrenching details. Emotionally wrenching is descriptive enough, right?!? But I do enjoy sitting here watching The Wolverine and Tuxedo Boy working it out WWE style. That is something to be grateful for. If nothing else, it sure makes me laugh. So yeah, I am grateful for laughter.

Women. Lets just put it that way. I am kind of one of them and I still do not understand them. Maybe they are not for me to understand. A million mile mystery. They are so strange to me. Each one of them is so different, no wonder I can never comprehend one. It's just a matter of trying to pay attention. But mostly, staying true to myself.

I am just going to say this. Positive affirmations. I am a great person with so much to offer and I deserve someone wonderful. I will wait to find her. She exists and is probably on her own journey getting ready for the time where her and I meet, face to face. Hey, it might sound like a dream, but it's my dream.

Grateful

You know, the past two weeks have been so good to me. I must be doing something right to be able to be this blessed by the universe. As you probably read, I sat on the floor of the Nuggets/Lakers game. Two nights later I was lucky enough to get invited to a very interesting event. It was a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Put on by everyday folks in a choir, at a church. You read that right. I walked into a church for the first time in 10 years (minus those that housed AA meetings). I sat surrounded by a crowd of good old fashioned church going folks. It was surreal.

Two days later I was granted the best gift I have ever received. I watched a young man get a new heart. The heart is my ruler. I follow my heart always. To be able to hold a young mans heart in my hands and have it beat. I couldn't have been more blessed. At that moment, a calm came over me that was so fabulous. It was as if I had reached a place of serenity. I will strive for that feeling always.

Today I got to spend the day with my mom and sister. How I love them both. The decision to move back to Colorado was never the wrong thing to do. I wanted them to know me as Liz. Not the drunk. Not Liz with a drink in her hand. I wanted to get to know them without the fog of alcohol in my brain. The past three years have been strange and totally wonderful getting to find out what amazing people my mom and sister are. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I am entirely grateful today. Oh, and the Nuggets are on tonight. Go Nuggets. Oh, and a girl has a crush on me and I think I have a crush right back.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Heart Transplant

Last night I witnessed a miracle. I watched as a heart transplant occurred, right in front of my very eyes. As the opened his chest, I was in awe. As they cut back slowly, the heart began to appear. Beating under the flesh. I was 5 feet away from a surgery that few people get to see.

As they slowly and patiently removed the bad heart, it was handed to a gentleman. "Grab some gloves," he said to me. As I put on gloves, the heart still warm out of the body, he handed it to me. I was suddenly holding a beating heart in my hands. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. In my hands. He snapped pictures. It was the most surreal moment I have ever had. Almost spiritual. It was something incredible. A miracle.

The new heart was placed in his chest cavity. After being sewn in and being shocked, the new heart pinked up and started to beat. It was like watching an act of God. Or an amazing gift of science. Either way, it was the most fabulous thing I've ever done and seen. I am so glad that I put myself out there and made my watching a transplant a possibility.

I am so very grateful today for the work I do. I understand it in a whole new way. The world looks different today. I am more calm. I am so very grateful for all the people I work with who do this every day.

Nuggets vs. Lakers - Court side

So, you read that right. Tonight I get to go to the Nuggets/Lakers game and sit court side. I couldn't be happier. It's like my idea of heaven. My friend surprised me with these tickets, which makes it even better. Free tickets to a court side game of this magnitude? Felix is my hero. I'll be on TV tonight for sure. Just an amazing experience.

Watching basketball is so awesome to me. The athletes have to be so grateful. Watching them is quite, well, it sounds cheesy, but it's majestic. They are so gifted. I can't wait to be up close to see all the facial expressions and to hear what they say. Clearly, I am beaming. Getting to see my boys JR Smith and Aaron Afflalo in person is going to be incredible. Today is like my birthday but better.

It was only just a dream...

You know those morning where you must have been having a dream about something you long for, in the dream you have it, and when you awake, it is all gone? Well, today is that kind of day for me. I had the sweetest dream of being in love with a phenomenal woman. The dream was beautiful. I mean, after all, it was my dream so all my ideals played out. When my alarm went off, there I was in the dark, alone. It was quite literally just a dream. My heart sank when I realized the nature of the beast.

This all brings me to my second point. When did I become the person everyone loves to be friends with but that no one wants to date? Have I always been this person? All the ladies consider me such good people, such a good friend. However, when it comes to dating any of these said women, it's a joke. People don't seem to want to date me, just be my friends. While this has some great perks, I continue to wake up alone.

What a Wonderful Day

Mom came over for coffee this morning. We sat by the lake and enjoyed the water. Water is majestic. Sounds corny, I know. Totally aware of that. Water brings me peace. I even love when my neighbor waters the lawn. It is nice to be able to sit outside. I love coffee with mom. It is always such a pleasure to have her in my own house.

I just finished up some homework. Did not do as I had hoped on a couple of quizzes. C'est la vie. That is exactly why I do all the extra credit. It's a balancing act and at the end of the day, there is always more that could have been done. I try to feel accomplished after the day and try not to think about all the impending information in my mind. It's a mixed up little place, my mind, that is. Silly little brain.

I have a date today. I am excited and nervous and totally, well, ok with it. It's a fun thing, no expectations, no crazy ideals, just a meeting for ice cream and conversation. Now, I can handle that. A disaster of a date the other night. Just hysterical. Without going into details, I will say this, it reassured me that my boundaries are firmly in place. That is a good feeling.

Alas, it is time to get ready for said date. Here's to hoping it is an adventure, if nothing else.

A Good Day

It's a beautiful day. It is warm, but not hot. There is a cool breeze. It feels like September. I like September. I used to despise the end of summer. Now I thrive on it. In my old age, I'm starting to realize, I hate the heat. Enough about that. Because today is simply gorgeous.

Many people from the past have been showing up again. It's in my chart. I am not surprised. But people are coming out of the woodworks. People I thought, and some I hoped, I would never hear from again. Alas, they are here. I am just going to work with these tides and take it all in. I will not provoke any given situation, simply see what unfolds.

School is stressing me out and my third class has yet to begin. Thus is life. I signed up for this, so I really should not complain. I love school and my classes and professors and my colleagues. All incredible. For the first time in my life, I feel I am doing the right thing and am in the right place. In the words of my mother, "Keep fighting the good fight."

The Queen

This morning I thought my cat was missing, injured, or dead. Ok, I know the dead thing is really dramatic. But, I think my cats are like my kids!

Clark was out and about with me all morning while I was getting ready, but Tyra, the queen, was nowhere to be found. I called for her, to no response. Being already late for work, I jumped in the shower. When I opened the shower curtain and she still was not there, that's when the death thoughts popped into my brain.

So, as my panic set in, I knelt down to look under the bed. Out she strolls with the sleepy eyes, looking at me like, "What?!?"

That dang squirrel queen cat.

A Quandry

So, apparently, as the token "lesbian" in the office, even though I identify as queer, I can't tell someone they look nice without being told it's getting close to sexual harassment. "Yeah, keep complimenting us," she says. In the next sentence, I joke about sexual harassment and they say, "Yep, it's getting close!" Was it a joke, maybe. Did it make me uncomfortable, definitely.

At what point did it become impossible for me to compliment a woman without it looking like I am hitting on her? When did I lose the ability to tell a woman she looks nice today? Hell, I would be happy if someone said that to me. So, why can't I say it to someone else? I intend to make her day, not harass her in any way.

Ok, so I do not believe it is harassment, not on my part anyway. Apparently I need to stop telling women they look nice. But I do ask, why does every woman simply assume I am hitting on them? Yes, I work with a great group of good looking people, myself included :), but why do you think I am hitting on you? You are straight and married and have children. I am not interested at all in a woman like that. I was just trying to tell someone they look nice today. I guess I won't say the same tomorrow.

The Neighborhood Tour

Ok, was going to put up the neighborhood tour, but blogger or my internet connection aren't happy together. Will post on facebook!

Anxiety Replaced with Beauty

I am very much enjoying this day off. Well, do I have to read for school? Yes. But I do not mind. I get to do it on my time. Enjoying my break to write while sitting out on my front porch, in the rocking chair an old woman told me was haunted. I love this chair. Maybe I love it so much because her spirit puts me at ease. Long before I believed she sat out in this rocking chair, I always stated this was the best seat in the house.

Ah, the front porch of my house is so peaceful. Looking west, watching the afternoon storms roll in. Prepared to take an extra pill if I feel dizzy. I have become my own version of a meteorologist. I must study the barometer changes in order to understand my Meniere's disease. Enough about that. This is a day of peace. A day where I can sit alone and be still. A day that brings me great joy. It is beautiful out. I will walk down to the lake and take photos. I will post some later.

I am grateful that today is full of peace and love in my heart.

Ménière's disease

Ah my ears. My heart. My head. I sit here, frustrated, anxious, all while trying to bring myself to a peaceful place. Fighting the dizziness. Trying to work with the dizziness. Both ways are terrible. I cannot decide on either. I try to find something else to do to occupy my mind. For a moment I am fine and then I stumble, the room tilts. A constant reminder.

There is always the hearing loss. A side effect of the symptoms of Meniere's disease. The cilia in my inner ear are damaged when I have these episodes. The ringing, the fullness in my ears, the eerie feeling someone has placed a glass fishbowl on my head and I don't know about it. I get a little nauseous and it passes.

"You've lost more hearing in both of your ears this time, Liz." Excellent, I think to myself. Again? I was just here a month ago. Oh well, that's the nature of this whole thing. I struggle to accept it. It's a part of me now. Oh little inner ear. How small and powerful you are.

Boundaries

So, ever since my 30th birthday, things have been changing. Rapidly. I started to realize that my personal boundaries aren't very good and I let people treat me in really shitty ways. I have been removing "friends" from my life and adding new ones. Finding a way to have people in my life who respect me as much as I respect them.

I will tell you, though, that old friends don't seem to like this transition. They are used to walking on me, wiping their shoes on my face, and they aren't adjusting well to my boundary changes. It is like there is now a wall between me and these people, because frankly, verbal abuse is no longer allowed. Not by anyone. I do not need friends who tell me I am a asshole or that my father wouldn't be proud of me if he could see me now. Those types of statements don't come from friends.

In my own personal growth surrounding boundaries, this all got jump started in school. I've started to understand that in order to help people in my professional life with their issues, I won't be able to have those people and the drama in my personal life too. I must be clear in that. I need to surround myself with people who love me and respect me. That is the only way I will be able to separate myself from taking my work home.

I want to get through this uncomfortable transition period in a better space then I am in now. Stronger than I have been. With better boundaries, well, boundaries at all. I am invested in this.

Procrastination Begins

Ha. School doesn't even start until Tuesday but I am already procrastinating. I have many chapters to read for my first class in Family Theory. I need to be reading. Nope, procrastinating.

Ok, guilt is setting in as I am writing so I better make this quick. Keep your fingers crossed for me as I move into the busiest week I have had in a long time. I will be just fine and shall report my progress as I go.

Am I nervous, only if I start looking at the week as a whole. All I need to do is take one day at a time. Tomorrow, I need to go to work and study. I can handle that. For sure.

My best to you all darlings...

An Awakening

Why hello.

It's all beginning. Or ending. Either way, I feel more free. I love that summer is well on its way. I love that my heart is clear of clutter and reckless panic. School begins again next week. I am not looking forward to a 4 week intensive class while working full time, taking a weekend class, going to Pride, oh, and turning 30. It will be a busy month. I am enjoying this first week sans school.

With a clear head, I believe this summer semester to be even more...hmm....well, not enjoyable. Maybe just a little simpler and less dramatic. I am so tired of drama and abuse and gross situations. As I set those beside me and move forward, I hope I am able to shed many of my insecurities and fears. In due time, my friend. In due time.

I leave you with this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

With gratefulness...Liz

Ahhhh

School has taken over my life!  I will write soon... 

Change

It's clear to me that many people don't do well with change. I don't know how good I am at it either. I sense a lot of anxiety within myself when certain things are threatened. There are a lot of things in this world I am ok with losing, but my house isn't one of them.

This is all brought to my attention because this week has been especially trying at work. I have been on pins and needles about my future in my current position. I have had the threatening of change roll its ugly wrath over my head. Why do I get so freaked out about this? Well, it's pretty much the money... for my house.

I'm a renter and no one will be very kind to me if I can't pay my rent for a couple of months. In fact, my cats and I will be evicted from our little place. Now, keep in mind, I am far from that kind of financial situation. I could at least buy myself a couple of months to stay in my house while looking for a job.

In any other economy, I don't think I'd be so concerned. I have a BA, and MA, and am working on my second MA. I have tons of qualities any employer would want, but right now I might be far too qualified for any job that I might actually land. If I'd land it at all because I am over qualified. I am just thankful I am in school and kindness comes to me in the form of a loan check every semester. That is some sort of piece of mind.

So, why my house? Well, I am a cancer. Not in the carcinogenic sense. I am the crab through and through and my comfort nest is the most important thing to my feeling of safety. I can survive on nasty canned food in my fridge, I can sell of things on craigslist, but lose my house... again, the panic sets in.

I know change can be good, but please, I have moved 15 times in 12 years. I'd like to stay where I am for a while.

My Grace is Gone

Ok, so I have been in a super funk, as was the topic of my last blog. I find I am clinging on to a strange song... a song that makes me relate to the music, sit around my house, and try to move past whatever this is.

The song is Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews Band. I find it curious that after 3+ years without a drink, this is still the song I lean on:

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It's 2 a.m. I'm drunk again
And it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible
Then the sun refused to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone
...(classic Dave mumbling)...

Now it's not that drinking sounds like a good idea, but I know where the person in this song is and how they feel. I'm afraid I'm there, minus the booze. If only for a bit.

A Funk

A funk is a funk is a funk is a funk. Right?!? I don't know why I've been in a funk for the last few days, I just have been. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's a girl. But, you know, a funk is different than being sad about something or someone. It's like, I have no real reason to be upset about anything, I just feel off. Kind of sad, kind of happy, just kind of here. A blah, if you will.

I just write to try and process what is going on, but I don't know how to do it. I think I'll just wait out the funk. It'll go away, because they always go away. I don't even feel like faking it till I make it. I think I'll just go through the day, as routinely as possible. Hopefully something, aka me, will finally snap and I'll smile, and mean it.

Love

I always write about love or heartbreak... but always related to love. I feel with my heart. I always have. I joke, but it isn't a joke so much. I joke that I am a war of head versus heart, and it's always this way. It is always this way. I can see something for what it is, logically, it makes sense. I can look at a matter of the heart and know that I am doing the wrong this and that my heart is too involved, so how come my heart always wins?

Sometimes I think I spend a lot of time making an ass of myself, wearing my heart on my sleeve, trying to hold it together. I am an open book, so most people know how I feel about them. It's not worth it to me to keep it all in. It makes me feel as though I didn't try everything I could. I always need to try everything I can, just to be sure it's over or that I've done what I can. Outcomes are difficult, I rarely succeed in matters of the heart. But that is probably because it is out there all the time to get stepped on.

I need to look at my part in this. If I didn't leave my heart on my sleeve, I might not have such constant heartache. However, If I didn't leave my heart out there... I wouldn't be the kind, sweet, loving, caring individual I am today. Like I said, a war of head vs. heart. Always.

I find strength in my heart, in my soul and in my mind. I find love when I look around. I just have to open up my eyes to see the beauty, the pain, the hopelessness, and misfortune. Without seeing all these things, how could I recognize beauty?

Exhaustion

It is official, I am exhausted and we are only in the 4th week of the semester. If I disappear off the face of the earth, don't worry, I must be sleeping or in class or at work. You think I would be used to this having already gotten one MA degree... nope. I am officially older, more tired, and don't bounce back quite so easily.

I will definitely get used to this, but I thought it would be adapted by now, nope. Just keep on pushing through. I can do this. It's only for a couple more years. Ok, let's focus on today. Today I can work all day and get my homework done. I can do that.

A doormat no more

It appears that the less time I spend being a doormat, the more time old "friends" seem to disappear. I don't think they appreciate the change the way I do. Sorry kids, you no longer get to use my face to clean your shoes. If you don't like the fact that I am moving onward and upward, good, get the hell out of my way.

I can no longer lay idly still as I address everyone's concerns but mine. It leaves me lonely, used, and extremely exhausted. I don't like my emotions to be toyed with.

This change and shedding of old people is good. It gets me away from all that is sick and holds me down in this world. I told my mom when I was 3 that friends are like carpools, people are constantly getting in and out of the car. Well, that sure is true. Sometimes friends don't grow together, we grow apart. That has to be ok, because we have no other choice.

A Psychic Ability?

Last night I had a dream. I was just an observer from the ground, but could hear what was happening in the plane. There was a man with a bomb aboard and they needed to land the plane to remove this gentleman in hopes of diverting disaster. In my dream, the landing didn't go so well, a wing was lost, but every one on board was just fine. I watched calmly as if this would all have a fine ending.

I woke up this morning and showered, knowing it was just a dream. I didn't think much of it. I turned on the morning news, which I never do because I am normally gone by that time. She started, "Breaking News!" and continued on to explain how a plane that had left LaGuardia airport in NYC had a man on board who said he had a bomb. They had to make an emergency landing somewhere in Pennsylvania. My mouth hit the floor. It was like a scene out of a creepy movie.

I wanted to share this experience with someone and called my mother. She reminded me that I had always been intuitive and slightly psychic. She thought the experience was great, minus the man with the "bomb", and reassured me that this is just who I am. I guess sometimes I simply don't stop and listen enough. I get caught up in day to day life and forget to listen to my intuition and what the universe is telling me.

So, universe... thanks for the reminder.

Back to School

So, it begins again... another school year, another degree. I sure am anxious. I am slightly nervous and totally excited. Counseling... should open up a lot of doors for me mentally, emotionally. They say that you have to reflect on yourself many times throughout this program. I know it will be difficult, but it'll be good for me. For my relationships with others.

Sometimes I worry I'll start to think so differently during and after this next degree that I won't be me anymore. I know I will change and grow. I just hope it's for the best. It is what you make of it, right?

I believe I am a chronic student, a lifer. I already graduated from high school, with my BA in Psychology, and my MA in Human Sexuality Studies. I've only been out of school for 2 years but I am drawn to go back. I have it stuck in my head that with education becomes opportunities. But, in theory, I am already educated. So, why go back? Because NO ONE knows what to do with a degree in Human Sexuality. It doesn't help me get a better job. Nope, here I am, working as a glorified secretary. I am too over qualified for this. I know this. Why am I afraid to move on? I could be doing so much more.

I guess going back to school makes me happy. I love learning. I get so bored if I am not learning. Hopefully after this next degree I will be able to keep learning and have a career, not just a job to pay the bills. I sure am happy to be going back to school. I really hope being in school full time and working full time will be doable. If not, school comes first. Always.

Happiness is NOT an illusion

For awhile there, as you can tell from my blogs, I was super down and out. It wasn't easy to smile and some days I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, now I am finally out of the tunnel, watching the birds, the deer, enjoying the snow on the ground.

Today, I am happy. I think it has to do with letting go. I finally, without a doubt in my mind, have let go. Let go of the poison, the pollution, the people who make my heart feel sad. I am with me now, strong, silent, loving. I like the me that I am and no one gets to take that away from me anymore. I like Liz, hell, I love Liz. I know it's weird to type that, but for a long time I couldn't even bring myself to think it.

I thank the New Year, the Blue Moon, and my strength. This is a new decade, a new chapter. In this chapter, I shall succeed. I shall smile more. I shall laugh more. I will put my time and energy into those people who I love. Those who deserve my laughter, my spirit, and my love. To all those that beat me down, I will no longer allow people who abuse me to remain in my heart. Not for today... and certainly not for tomorrow.