The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things

I have renamed my summer: The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things. I am sure the title could be shortened or more intellectual, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. It's my title, of my reality, of my anguish, and of my smiles.

It's like a cleanse of all things that are/were killing me slowly and sucking my will to live. This includes several women, a hard-core tobacco addiction, my living situation, and all the pain that I live with in my heart. I need to feel lighter within my chest, both literally and figuratively.

I have asked women to leave my life, who put me down and slowly beat me into a lifestyle where I believed that my opinion was stupid. That I am an asshole, that even I should hate myself and that I am always wrong. Well, the pattern rears it's ugly head again. I have to figure out how to stop this. From now on, I want to be respected, to be shown loyalty, and to be able to count on people. It's ok if only a few people fit this role... but I already know many that do. Both my family and my chosen family. To them I am eternally grateful.

I would like to find a balance so my heart can feel less isolated. Because the truth is, I love deeply, purely, and easily, and that's a beautiful thing. Maybe the fact that I do wear my heart on my sleeve makes me experience too much pain. Or maybe I just like to take risks for love, for the gift of being alive. I want to be open without building a wall around my heart.

Now I've already quit the drinking, which has taught me a ton about myself. I have to actually deal with my emotions, I can't just drink them away anymore. That's been a serious learning experience. Now I have been cigarette free for over 2 weeks. A hell of a start. Am I extra irritable? Yes. Am I hacking up a lung? Yes. Am I all achy like I am getting the flu? Yes. Is it worth it to see the kids I dream of growing up? Yes. I smoked for 15 years. That's a long time when you are only 29.

My twenties are going out with a irritable, isolated, anxious bang. But, I did have a psychic who once told me years ago, "Your 30's are going to be brilliant. That is when things are going to get much happier for you." Here's to hopin' that outlook is in my cards.