Wear your heart on your sleeve

31.

2011-06-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

What a great birthday that just was. What a difference from last year. It makes me go back and reflect on decisions I have made, people I have let go, and people I have drawn closer to my heart. I am happy with where I am at as I turn 31 years old.

It is a good life today as I sit and think back on the last year and what has come into my life. My partner and I moved in together, I now have a dog and 2 cats. I love them all dearly, our little family.

It has been a hard year, working my fingers to the bone at work and at school. Finding little time for myself, my family, my friends, and my relationship. However, they all understand, support me, and love me while I am on this journey. I could not be luckier.

The friends I now chose to have in my life are truly a gift. Every one there yesterday came because of me and what I mean to them. They support my dreams, my goals, my desires. They all know me in ways that I do not give to every one. I am peaceful in my friendships for the first time in my life. For that I am truly grateful.

Suicide.

2011-04-06T09:19:00.001-07:00

Why are so many people in this world committing suicide lately? Is life that hard? Is it that unmanageable? There is no rationalization, no answers, no life left. All of a sudden the person is gone and all that are left are anger, grief, and questions. Many questions, never to be answered.

Four people I know of have taken their own lives in the past couple of weeks. I wonder what is going on. Sometimes I feel there is a curse upon The Children's Hospital. It has happened on this campus, it has happened to people on this campus, it has gotten to our patients.

Nearly 11 years ago my father took his own life. It is difficult for me to understand what happened and why it happened. I know he was bipolar, but I didn't know it had gotten this bad. Four days after I said good-bye and told him I loved him, he was gone. Why? I will never know. I cannot know. Like it is a beautiful book written in a language I will never be able to read. The answers are there, I just can't make sense of them.

I think about the kind of pain one must be in to put a gun in his or her mouth, or to jump off a crane. What kind of pain and anguish must someone be in to think that is the best option. Many people call suicide selfish, but I don't think there is enough rational thinking to consider the act selfish. It is desperate and lonely, isolating.

I will never understand what drove my father or the other people around me to take their own lives. It is not an answer I will be given in this lifetime, hence I need to be okay with that. I need to be at peace with it.

Gender what?

2011-03-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

I said genderqueer. (Insert puzzled look on face). Oh, genderqueer...what does that mean?

I don't mind the questions, just the puzzled looks. Pull it together people. What does my identification of genderqueer mean to me? I have no problem explaining that when it is asked with tact.

I feel I encompass both genders. (Insert the puzzled look). See, I don't feel entirely female nor do I feel entirely male. Androgynous, I am not. I exhibit both genders at different times.

Ah. That is what genderqueer means. No. It is what genderqueer means to me.

Feel free to ask me questions but don't judge me with your face as you do.

I am proudly masculine and proudly feminine. I am a genderqueer individual dating a woman. I am not straight, I am not a lesbian. I am an in-betweenie. Careful. Don't want to fuck with your mind too much.

Call me sir. Don't call me ma'am. First, I am not that old. Second, drop the binary language all together. And if you do fuck up and call me sir, please don't start apologizing for it like a fool. You are making things worse. Let it pass. Learn next time it is unnecessary to ask me if I need water and tacking a "Sir" at the end. Yes, I would like some water. Now leave me alone.

I must be bitter. I have to admit this is strange to me. Facing all this new discrimination. It's happening all over again.

Which bathroom? I stop dead in my tracks trying to decide. Either way the population in the restroom will challenge me. What are you doing in here? Get out. Um, I will not sit here and try to prove to you that I am just trying to urinate. Leave me alone.

And tolerance. Abolish the word. Please, don't waste your time tolerating me. Move towards acceptance, love, kindness, understanding, and empathy. Move away from judgement and betrayal.

At the end of the day, remember I am not defined by my sexuality nor my gender. My name is Liz. Nice to meet you too.

Excuse Me? What Did You Say?

2011-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I am freaking out a bit. I cannot seem to hear out of my left ear. I think it is extremely problematic. I think it is just my Meniere's disease, but it is hard to tell. I have never felt this deaf before. I realize that going deaf is a part of all of this, but I don't know what to do about this today. It is always a fear that the hearing won't return.

Sudden hearing loss is associated with the autoimmune disorder they are testing me for. I wish those results would come back. I find it is difficult to want an answer so bad that even treatments this chemotherapy and steroids sound like a decent idea. Okay, I don't really want any of those treatments nor do I want to have an autoimmune disorder. But I do want answers.

I am trying to wait patiently and realize that maybe it is not my time to know the answers now. Maybe I am supposed to be going through this journey. Learning, growing, aching, exhaustion. I am tired of feeling terrible. I am tired of wanting to cut off my ear. I am tired of never having a sense of balance or space.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would look like if I didn't have this disease. Would it be more clear? Would I be able to hear? Would the world stop moving? Could I walk faster and exercise more? Oh the ideas that come along with this. I shall dream but for now, I live in a fog.

My loves

2011-02-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

I have many, many loves. But I will choose to discuss two right now: Basketball and Concerts. I certainly love both. People used to ask me what my hobbies were and I always had a really hard time coming up with things. That might be a whole other blog. My point: I love Basketball and Concerts.

Okay, so I love Basketball, but mainly the Nuggets and the Celtics. I am such a little whore for both teams. Today I decided I would be devastated if I did not get to see them play when the Celtics are in town. So, today I bit the bullet and bought tickets. I am actually really thrilled I made this decision.

So, this then brings us back to my last post of needing to slow down. I decided I do not want to cut out things that are actually fun for me or all that will be left is school Liz and work Liz. Ew. Not that those people are bad, just that they cannot be all that is.

I also love seeing my favorite performers live. I used to hate going to concerts and would simply count down the moments until it was over, always hoping the song they were playing was their last. When I made a poor decision to fly to meet a girl in San Diego when I was living in San Francisco, I had to learn to just love the music and sit in it. That is how I found Sean Hayes. She drug me to the Be Good Tanya's concert. Ew again. But Sean Hayes opened for them. Amazing.

Tonight I will be taking my love to a concert in which I fell in love with the opening artist, Dan Craig, at another unexpected venue. Tonight he is opening for Bobby Long. I do not know Bobby Long's music but I figure one of two things will happen: 1) I fall in love with him, or 2) We despise him and leave. I love that my partner allows that kind of behavior, in fact endorses it.

This Candle

2011-02-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

I burn my candle at both ends. We all know this. I work full-time and go to graduate school, again, full-time. I must be both a gluten for punishment and a gluten for poverty. I continue to accumulate student loans while training to go into a field that will not pay me shit. I feel like I must do it for the greater good. I am not greedy and not a "climb-the-ladder" type of guy. I care about humanity.

It will not last the night. I am exhausted. I really am. I feel like I am going 100mph all the time. I am thankful I dropped that third class and am wondering if something else is going to have to give. We shall see but I have been doing this awhile now and do not know if I can keep it up. I tell you though, I do not have much of a choice, so we carry on.

It gives a lovely light. I hope I am not so transparent that people know I am about to snap. Alas, many say you can read it all over my face. At the same time, it was just a week ago that people were telling me how I had a glow. It comes and it goes. I long to keep the light while realizing I am burning my candle at both ends.

To Be in Love

2011-01-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

This whole being in love thing sure is a wonderful feeling. I can't seem to comprehend how I could fall in love with this perfect woman. Not only did I find her, but I love her and she loves me back. Life is just a little bit more beautiful because she is in it.

I hesitate to call her my girlfriend, because she is so much more than that. She is my partner, in crime, in crime fighting, in love, and in adventure. I no longer have to experience the world alone. She makes me feel a little more alive, while knowing I was okay before on my own. I know I can do this all on my own, but it is nice to finally not have to. I have a partner who helps me process emotions and time, life and love, deceit and manipulation, fears of abandonment.

I find that she loves me for exactly who I am, as I am in each moment. I don't have to hustle to move things, hide things, or fix things. I am just allowed to exist as I am and she not only tolerates it, but actually likes me for it. I feel like the luckiest guy on the earth. And no, I have no idea why she is drinking milk in this photo :)

Triumph

2011-01-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

I feel today as though I have triumphed over some of my fears. This has been happening for a lifetime now. Always getting over fears. After all, I am a worrier. We all know this. It happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve. I must say today I triumphed over a big fear. I always thought that I should stay with the person I was with because what if I couldn't find anyone better? Then I would have fucked up and lost them. Well, today I realized, well, maybe they couldn't find anyone better than me. I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

I like myself. I like who I am. I make myself laugh and smile. I make myself happy. At the same time, I realize I am also my greatest enemy when I turn to negative self talk. That negative talk is growing less frequent over time. I must remember that I am worth something, in the good and the bad moments. At the end of the day, I am okay alone. Like my next tattoo will read "And you will watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

One can find beauty in pain and fear as well as happiness and joy. They are two extremes but the opposite sides of the same coin. Without the pain, there can be no joy. Ok, so you can probably tell, my life philosophies sound like those of Khalil Gibran. He is one of my teachers. However, there is truth to what he teaches. I feel sometimes as though I can see such great beauty because I have known intense pain. And at the end of the day, I hope I can find myself sitting in both extremes and view them with serenity.

I have realized that I have an easier time letting go than ever before. Things don't possess me like they used to. I don't allow myself the great disappointments I felt in my youth. I created them myself. I see that now. Without expectations I am happier. There is much less pain. I am more forgiving of myself and of others. I finally appreciate who I am and am proud to be exactly as I am. That feels really fucking awesome.

My Darling

2011-01-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

As much as I have loved this vacation, I will welcome being home tomorrow. I look forward to seeing my friends and family, my cats and my house. It is nice that I have been missed by my co-workers and friends. To feel that people actually miss you is an extraordinary feeling. It makes me feel I have purpose and a reason to return home.

Mainly, I look forward to being picked up at the airport by my girl. She is wonderful and sexy. I have missed her very much. I love returning home to a partner that adores me. I love returning home to a partner I adore. Her smile lights up the room and her kindness is shared by many.

Tomorrow I will return to Denver and hope that I am welcomed with open arms.

Boston

2011-01-07T06:57:00.000-08:00

I am having such a wonderful and relaxing time here in Boston. It is beautiful and old and haunted. There are many cemeteries that I find beautiful. Others may find this creepy. The streets are crooked and confusing. There is chaos which seems to make sense to everyone who lives here. It's a gorgeous city. Yesterday I was down in Harvard Square (see picture above). It inspired me as my Aunt got her PhD from Harvard. I thought of her.

Today I will be taking the train to meet my darling friend in South Boston. I look forward to seeing yet another up and coming neighborhood that I can fall madly in love with. I hear it is really LGBT friendly there, that there are many boutiques, and fun restaurants. I look forward to wandering the city. I love wandering.

It hit me yesterday that I have made significant growth over my life. I am totally comfortable bumming around a city on my own, navigating trains, killing time, entertaining myself, and being totally content. This would have been an impossible feat had I not survived in San Francisco alone for so long. While my Uncle claims I went to SF and pissed away all Daddy's money, I completely disagree. It was the most important growing experience of my life.

I certainly love my friends here that I am visiting. They make it calm and comfortable, kind and funny. I miss them living in Colorado but I am gifted that I get to travel out here and that they are returning to Denver in March. It will make it easier to say good-bye, once again.

I look forward, though, to returning to my darling Denver. A beautiful city which holds my family and friends, my house and my kitties, my job and my school. It is also the home of my sweet darling dear woman. Many have made it clear to me that they miss me in Colorado. It is nice to be missed.

Meet the Enos

2011-01-02T13:55:00.000-08:00

Well, my darling is amazing. She is kind and sweet and rough and jagged. She is the perfect balance for me. A puzzle piece that snapped perfectly into my life. She allows me to be exactly as I need to be and I do the same for her. Well, yep she is important to me.

It took a bit but we finally decided it was time to meet each other's family. While we haven't been together all that long, I feel that I know her and have been with her in another life. I finally found her, here, in this body. A sexy body no less.

This morning she met my mom and sister. It went well and I think every one was comfortable. But that could just be an illusion. It was so surreal to me that I was having an out of body experience. A defense mechanism I believe I picked up somewhere along the line. To be discussed in therapy.

However, it went great. Every one was kind and pleasant. My mom told me that she was sweet and kind. Two qualities of hers that I appreciate more than she will ever know. I meet her family on Tuesday evening. I am nervous because she is so important to me. I don't want to fuck it up. I won't fuck it up.

An Assault on Your Eyes

2010-12-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

Does this background totally assault your eyes, or is it just me? I am going to try and get used to it for a bit. If you are horribly opposed and want me to take it down, please let me know.

Today is the day after Christmas, a day of rest. It is a beautiful day. I am calm and content. I have not a care in the world. I have an amazing family that I can see at any moment. I have friends that are absolutely incredible. They each serve a different purpose in my life and for that I love them all dearly. I am also terribly grateful that my darling has walked into my life. I felt like I had been patient, waiting for the perfect woman.

Perfect you say? Well, no one is perfect, but she is perfect for me. She makes me laugh and forces me to think. I work through things with a partner now.

I found that 2010 was full of trials and tribulations. But I am eternally grateful for the year and the experiences that I have had. I have done incredible things and met incredible people. I am blessed.

At Least I am Listening Now

2010-12-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

I was always told that when I find someone worth finding, it would be easy. There would be little drama and the effort will seem non-existant because I will want to treat this person like a queen. I never listened or scoffed at this. It had certainly never been in the case for me in all the relationships I have had. It had always been a hassle or too much work or simply too hard.

I am happy to report I am at least listening now. I have found someone magical and it is easy. There is talking and communicating but never drama. There is no such thing as a hassle with her and doing things for her is never too much work. I love doing things for her and making her feel like the wonderful woman that she is.

To be able to have so much in common yet so much different with one person is a gift. I am comfortable and not judged while always remaining on my toes, but in a very good and exciting way. I guess the advice I received was correct. Now that I have met someone worth meeting, the drama is MIA and I love being treated like a gentleman.

She makes me feel like the perfect combination of gentleman and lady. She appreciates both of the genders I encompass. She treats me like the hope diamond. I am not afraid to exist with my heart in her hands, as I know she will be gentle when she needs to be with the perfect balance of rough. I am thrilled this is all happening unexpectedly.

A Total Dork

2010-12-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

I find myself to be one of the biggest dorks I know. This isn't a bad thing. In fact, I think it is totally strange and awesome. Kind of a Clark Kent/Roy Orbison/Elvis Presley looking guy. A little Superman hidden in there somewhere.

I even have my own form of kryptonite. Alcohol is my kryptonite. I love it but if I touch it, it will kill me. Alcohol is my kryptonite.

I am very happy lately. I have finally found a woman worth actually finding. That is a pretty fun feeling. Not over invested, invested just enough. A balancing act living in a land of ambiguity. It will play out as it is meant to play out. As it always does.

There Aint No Rain Tonight

2010-12-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

Psychic after psychic used to tell me to just hold on until my 30s. They warned me that my 20s would be turbulent. They were. They were rocky, albeit beautiful. Well now I am here, in my 30s and have been for 6 months. I can already tell you that my 30s have been good to me thus far. I have done some incredible things, felt some incredible things, and met some incredible people.

I feel like I am much more settled in myself. I am far more sure of myself and happier. I am making better decisions regarding the poisons I do and do not let into my life. I have cut things out and built stronger things in their places. My boundaries are more solid then they have ever been. This all feels really good.

I can't be sure if some self-awareness has led me to make better decisions or if the universe is simply applauding my decisions. Either way, it is unreal. I protect my heart more than I used to. I'm starting to realize she is like a diamond. Precious and beautiful and can even cut glass. An intense creation beating inside my chest and inside my soul. I am ruled by my heart. It always wins the head vs. heart battle. Always. I feel finally inspired by this.

I wear my heart on my sleeve with pride, finally. While I experience a great amount of pain, the amount of beauty I get to see is worth the journey. This heart allows me to see the world in a way most people couldn't even imagine. It's a strange existence.

PS... the Nuggets are playing the Celtics right now. I am so conflicted who to go for but secretly am wearing my Celtics cap. It's currently 30-11, Celtics. Of interest and sadness.

So I drew a new face and I laughed...

2010-12-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Here I am, resting in the land of ambiguity. Trying not to be nervous or impatient. I am just trying to sit in the moments, finding the beauty within every single event. If I begin to over think things, I panic. So, I am trying to remain calm. This is new ground for me, sitting in the ambiguity. It is a good lesson that I have needed to learn for a long time now and I am glad I met a marvelous woman to help me learn this.

Yes, you read that right. I met someone. She is kind and funny and intelligent and sexy. She makes me laugh and makes me think about things. She teaches me new ways of thinking. Ways that help calm me down. She says everything I've ever wanted to hear and more. She is a wise woman. I very much enjoy her.

She is helping me to realize I need to be calm and flexible and patient. Very patient. She is the most honest communicator that I have ever met and I am realizing that I need that in a relationship. I need someone direct.

I certainly don't know if this whole thing will go anywhere, but I sure am excited to find out. I like this woman. It's complicated, but she is beautiful in every sense of the word.

Just Another Old Love Song

2010-11-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

Today I do not feel grateful for much. It was a down right lousy day. I won't bore you with the emotionally wrenching details. Emotionally wrenching is descriptive enough, right?!? But I do enjoy sitting here watching The Wolverine and Tuxedo Boy working it out WWE style. That is something to be grateful for. If nothing else, it sure makes me laugh. So yeah, I am grateful for laughter.

Women. Lets just put it that way. I am kind of one of them and I still do not understand them. Maybe they are not for me to understand. A million mile mystery. They are so strange to me. Each one of them is so different, no wonder I can never comprehend one. It's just a matter of trying to pay attention. But mostly, staying true to myself.

I am just going to say this. Positive affirmations. I am a great person with so much to offer and I deserve someone wonderful. I will wait to find her. She exists and is probably on her own journey getting ready for the time where her and I meet, face to face. Hey, it might sound like a dream, but it's my dream.

Grateful

2010-11-20T16:36:00.001-08:00

You know, the past two weeks have been so good to me. I must be doing something right to be able to be this blessed by the universe. As you probably read, I sat on the floor of the Nuggets/Lakers game. Two nights later I was lucky enough to get invited to a very interesting event. It was a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Put on by everyday folks in a choir, at a church. You read that right. I walked into a church for the first time in 10 years (minus those that housed AA meetings). I sat surrounded by a crowd of good old fashioned church going folks. It was surreal.

Two days later I was granted the best gift I have ever received. I watched a young man get a new heart. The heart is my ruler. I follow my heart always. To be able to hold a young mans heart in my hands and have it beat. I couldn't have been more blessed. At that moment, a calm came over me that was so fabulous. It was as if I had reached a place of serenity. I will strive for that feeling always.

Today I got to spend the day with my mom and sister. How I love them both. The decision to move back to Colorado was never the wrong thing to do. I wanted them to know me as Liz. Not the drunk. Not Liz with a drink in her hand. I wanted to get to know them without the fog of alcohol in my brain. The past three years have been strange and totally wonderful getting to find out what amazing people my mom and sister are. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I am entirely grateful today. Oh, and the Nuggets are on tonight. Go Nuggets. Oh, and a girl has a crush on me and I think I have a crush right back.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Heart Transplant

2010-11-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I witnessed a miracle. I watched as a heart transplant occurred, right in front of my very eyes. As the opened his chest, I was in awe. As they cut back slowly, the heart began to appear. Beating under the flesh. I was 5 feet away from a surgery that few people get to see.

As they slowly and patiently removed the bad heart, it was handed to a gentleman. "Grab some gloves," he said to me. As I put on gloves, the heart still warm out of the body, he handed it to me. I was suddenly holding a beating heart in my hands. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. In my hands. He snapped pictures. It was the most surreal moment I have ever had. Almost spiritual. It was something incredible. A miracle.

The new heart was placed in his chest cavity. After being sewn in and being shocked, the new heart pinked up and started to beat. It was like watching an act of God. Or an amazing gift of science. Either way, it was the most fabulous thing I've ever done and seen. I am so glad that I put myself out there and made my watching a transplant a possibility.

I am so very grateful today for the work I do. I understand it in a whole new way. The world looks different today. I am more calm. I am so very grateful for all the people I work with who do this every day.

Nuggets vs. Lakers - Court side

2010-11-11T08:28:00.001-08:00

So, you read that right. Tonight I get to go to the Nuggets/Lakers game and sit court side. I couldn't be happier. It's like my idea of heaven. My friend surprised me with these tickets, which makes it even better. Free tickets to a court side game of this magnitude? Felix is my hero. I'll be on TV tonight for sure. Just an amazing experience.

Watching basketball is so awesome to me. The athletes have to be so grateful. Watching them is quite, well, it sounds cheesy, but it's majestic. They are so gifted. I can't wait to be up close to see all the facial expressions and to hear what they say. Clearly, I am beaming. Getting to see my boys JR Smith and Aaron Afflalo in person is going to be incredible. Today is like my birthday but better.

It was only just a dream...

2010-10-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

You know those morning where you must have been having a dream about something you long for, in the dream you have it, and when you awake, it is all gone? Well, today is that kind of day for me. I had the sweetest dream of being in love with a phenomenal woman. The dream was beautiful. I mean, after all, it was my dream so all my ideals played out. When my alarm went off, there I was in the dark, alone. It was quite literally just a dream. My heart sank when I realized the nature of the beast.

This all brings me to my second point. When did I become the person everyone loves to be friends with but that no one wants to date? Have I always been this person? All the ladies consider me such good people, such a good friend. However, when it comes to dating any of these said women, it's a joke. People don't seem to want to date me, just be my friends. While this has some great perks, I continue to wake up alone.

What a Wonderful Day

2010-09-19T12:26:00.001-07:00

Mom came over for coffee this morning. We sat by the lake and enjoyed the water. Water is majestic. Sounds corny, I know. Totally aware of that. Water brings me peace. I even love when my neighbor waters the lawn. It is nice to be able to sit outside. I love coffee with mom. It is always such a pleasure to have her in my own house.

I just finished up some homework. Did not do as I had hoped on a couple of quizzes. C'est la vie. That is exactly why I do all the extra credit. It's a balancing act and at the end of the day, there is always more that could have been done. I try to feel accomplished after the day and try not to think about all the impending information in my mind. It's a mixed up little place, my mind, that is. Silly little brain.

I have a date today. I am excited and nervous and totally, well, ok with it. It's a fun thing, no expectations, no crazy ideals, just a meeting for ice cream and conversation. Now, I can handle that. A disaster of a date the other night. Just hysterical. Without going into details, I will say this, it reassured me that my boundaries are firmly in place. That is a good feeling.

Alas, it is time to get ready for said date. Here's to hoping it is an adventure, if nothing else.

A Good Day

2010-09-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day. It is warm, but not hot. There is a cool breeze. It feels like September. I like September. I used to despise the end of summer. Now I thrive on it. In my old age, I'm starting to realize, I hate the heat. Enough about that. Because today is simply gorgeous.

Many people from the past have been showing up again. It's in my chart. I am not surprised. But people are coming out of the woodworks. People I thought, and some I hoped, I would never hear from again. Alas, they are here. I am just going to work with these tides and take it all in. I will not provoke any given situation, simply see what unfolds.

School is stressing me out and my third class has yet to begin. Thus is life. I signed up for this, so I really should not complain. I love school and my classes and professors and my colleagues. All incredible. For the first time in my life, I feel I am doing the right thing and am in the right place. In the words of my mother, "Keep fighting the good fight."

The Queen

2010-09-03T09:26:00.001-07:00

This morning I thought my cat was missing, injured, or dead. Ok, I know the dead thing is really dramatic. But, I think my cats are like my kids!

Clark was out and about with me all morning while I was getting ready, but Tyra, the queen, was nowhere to be found. I called for her, to no response. Being already late for work, I jumped in the shower. When I opened the shower curtain and she still was not there, that's when the death thoughts popped into my brain.

So, as my panic set in, I knelt down to look under the bed. Out she strolls with the sleepy eyes, looking at me like, "What?!?"

That dang squirrel queen cat.

A Quandry

2010-08-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, as the token "lesbian" in the office, even though I identify as queer, I can't tell someone they look nice without being told it's getting close to sexual harassment. "Yeah, keep complimenting us," she says. In the next sentence, I joke about sexual harassment and they say, "Yep, it's getting close!" Was it a joke, maybe. Did it make me uncomfortable, definitely.

At what point did it become impossible for me to compliment a woman without it looking like I am hitting on her? When did I lose the ability to tell a woman she looks nice today? Hell, I would be happy if someone said that to me. So, why can't I say it to someone else? I intend to make her day, not harass her in any way.

Ok, so I do not believe it is harassment, not on my part anyway. Apparently I need to stop telling women they look nice. But I do ask, why does every woman simply assume I am hitting on them? Yes, I work with a great group of good looking people, myself included :), but why do you think I am hitting on you? You are straight and married and have children. I am not interested at all in a woman like that. I was just trying to tell someone they look nice today. I guess I won't say the same tomorrow.

The Neighborhood Tour

2010-08-21T13:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, was going to put up the neighborhood tour, but blogger or my internet connection aren't happy together. Will post on facebook!

Anxiety Replaced with Beauty

2010-08-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

I am very much enjoying this day off. Well, do I have to read for school? Yes. But I do not mind. I get to do it on my time. Enjoying my break to write while sitting out on my front porch, in the rocking chair an old woman told me was haunted. I love this chair. Maybe I love it so much because her spirit puts me at ease. Long before I believed she sat out in this rocking chair, I always stated this was the best seat in the house.

Ah, the front porch of my house is so peaceful. Looking west, watching the afternoon storms roll in. Prepared to take an extra pill if I feel dizzy. I have become my own version of a meteorologist. I must study the barometer changes in order to understand my Meniere's disease. Enough about that. This is a day of peace. A day where I can sit alone and be still. A day that brings me great joy. It is beautiful out. I will walk down to the lake and take photos. I will post some later.

I am grateful that today is full of peace and love in my heart.

Ménière's disease

2010-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ah my ears. My heart. My head. I sit here, frustrated, anxious, all while trying to bring myself to a peaceful place. Fighting the dizziness. Trying to work with the dizziness. Both ways are terrible. I cannot decide on either. I try to find something else to do to occupy my mind. For a moment I am fine and then I stumble, the room tilts. A constant reminder.

There is always the hearing loss. A side effect of the symptoms of Meniere's disease. The cilia in my inner ear are damaged when I have these episodes. The ringing, the fullness in my ears, the eerie feeling someone has placed a glass fishbowl on my head and I don't know about it. I get a little nauseous and it passes.

"You've lost more hearing in both of your ears this time, Liz." Excellent, I think to myself. Again? I was just here a month ago. Oh well, that's the nature of this whole thing. I struggle to accept it. It's a part of me now. Oh little inner ear. How small and powerful you are.

Boundaries

2010-08-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

So, ever since my 30th birthday, things have been changing. Rapidly. I started to realize that my personal boundaries aren't very good and I let people treat me in really shitty ways. I have been removing "friends" from my life and adding new ones. Finding a way to have people in my life who respect me as much as I respect them.

I will tell you, though, that old friends don't seem to like this transition. They are used to walking on me, wiping their shoes on my face, and they aren't adjusting well to my boundary changes. It is like there is now a wall between me and these people, because frankly, verbal abuse is no longer allowed. Not by anyone. I do not need friends who tell me I am a asshole or that my father wouldn't be proud of me if he could see me now. Those types of statements don't come from friends.

In my own personal growth surrounding boundaries, this all got jump started in school. I've started to understand that in order to help people in my professional life with their issues, I won't be able to have those people and the drama in my personal life too. I must be clear in that. I need to surround myself with people who love me and respect me. That is the only way I will be able to separate myself from taking my work home.

I want to get through this uncomfortable transition period in a better space then I am in now. Stronger than I have been. With better boundaries, well, boundaries at all. I am invested in this.

Procrastination Begins

2010-06-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ha. School doesn't even start until Tuesday but I am already procrastinating. I have many chapters to read for my first class in Family Theory. I need to be reading. Nope, procrastinating.

Ok, guilt is setting in as I am writing so I better make this quick. Keep your fingers crossed for me as I move into the busiest week I have had in a long time. I will be just fine and shall report my progress as I go.

Am I nervous, only if I start looking at the week as a whole. All I need to do is take one day at a time. Tomorrow, I need to go to work and study. I can handle that. For sure.

My best to you all darlings...

An Awakening

2010-06-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

Why hello.

It's all beginning. Or ending. Either way, I feel more free. I love that summer is well on its way. I love that my heart is clear of clutter and reckless panic. School begins again next week. I am not looking forward to a 4 week intensive class while working full time, taking a weekend class, going to Pride, oh, and turning 30. It will be a busy month. I am enjoying this first week sans school.

With a clear head, I believe this summer semester to be even more...hmm....well, not enjoyable. Maybe just a little simpler and less dramatic. I am so tired of drama and abuse and gross situations. As I set those beside me and move forward, I hope I am able to shed many of my insecurities and fears. In due time, my friend. In due time.

I leave you with this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

With gratefulness...Liz

Ahhhh

2010-04-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

School has taken over my life! I will write soon...

Change

2010-03-09T14:31:00.000-08:00

It's clear to me that many people don't do well with change. I don't know how good I am at it either. I sense a lot of anxiety within myself when certain things are threatened. There are a lot of things in this world I am ok with losing, but my house isn't one of them.

This is all brought to my attention because this week has been especially trying at work. I have been on pins and needles about my future in my current position. I have had the threatening of change roll its ugly wrath over my head. Why do I get so freaked out about this? Well, it's pretty much the money... for my house.

I'm a renter and no one will be very kind to me if I can't pay my rent for a couple of months. In fact, my cats and I will be evicted from our little place. Now, keep in mind, I am far from that kind of financial situation. I could at least buy myself a couple of months to stay in my house while looking for a job.

In any other economy, I don't think I'd be so concerned. I have a BA, and MA, and am working on my second MA. I have tons of qualities any employer would want, but right now I might be far too qualified for any job that I might actually land. If I'd land it at all because I am over qualified. I am just thankful I am in school and kindness comes to me in the form of a loan check every semester. That is some sort of piece of mind.

So, why my house? Well, I am a cancer. Not in the carcinogenic sense. I am the crab through and through and my comfort nest is the most important thing to my feeling of safety. I can survive on nasty canned food in my fridge, I can sell of things on craigslist, but lose my house... again, the panic sets in.

I know change can be good, but please, I have moved 15 times in 12 years. I'd like to stay where I am for a while.

My Grace is Gone

2010-02-24T10:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have been in a super funk, as was the topic of my last blog. I find I am clinging on to a strange song... a song that makes me relate to the music, sit around my house, and try to move past whatever this is.

The song is Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews Band. I find it curious that after 3+ years without a drink, this is still the song I lean on:

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It's 2 a.m. I'm drunk again
And it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible
Then the sun refused to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone
...(classic Dave mumbling)...

Now it's not that drinking sounds like a good idea, but I know where the person in this song is and how they feel. I'm afraid I'm there, minus the booze. If only for a bit.

A Funk

2010-02-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

A funk is a funk is a funk is a funk. Right?!? I don't know why I've been in a funk for the last few days, I just have been. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's a girl. But, you know, a funk is different than being sad about something or someone. It's like, I have no real reason to be upset about anything, I just feel off. Kind of sad, kind of happy, just kind of here. A blah, if you will.

I just write to try and process what is going on, but I don't know how to do it. I think I'll just wait out the funk. It'll go away, because they always go away. I don't even feel like faking it till I make it. I think I'll just go through the day, as routinely as possible. Hopefully something, aka me, will finally snap and I'll smile, and mean it.

Love

2010-02-17T08:44:00.000-08:00

I always write about love or heartbreak... but always related to love. I feel with my heart. I always have. I joke, but it isn't a joke so much. I joke that I am a war of head versus heart, and it's always this way. It is always this way. I can see something for what it is, logically, it makes sense. I can look at a matter of the heart and know that I am doing the wrong this and that my heart is too involved, so how come my heart always wins?

Sometimes I think I spend a lot of time making an ass of myself, wearing my heart on my sleeve, trying to hold it together. I am an open book, so most people know how I feel about them. It's not worth it to me to keep it all in. It makes me feel as though I didn't try everything I could. I always need to try everything I can, just to be sure it's over or that I've done what I can. Outcomes are difficult, I rarely succeed in matters of the heart. But that is probably because it is out there all the time to get stepped on.

I need to look at my part in this. If I didn't leave my heart on my sleeve, I might not have such constant heartache. However, If I didn't leave my heart out there... I wouldn't be the kind, sweet, loving, caring individual I am today. Like I said, a war of head vs. heart. Always.

I find strength in my heart, in my soul and in my mind. I find love when I look around. I just have to open up my eyes to see the beauty, the pain, the hopelessness, and misfortune. Without seeing all these things, how could I recognize beauty?

Exhaustion

2010-02-09T07:42:00.000-08:00

It is official, I am exhausted and we are only in the 4th week of the semester. If I disappear off the face of the earth, don't worry, I must be sleeping or in class or at work. You think I would be used to this having already gotten one MA degree... nope. I am officially older, more tired, and don't bounce back quite so easily.

I will definitely get used to this, but I thought it would be adapted by now, nope. Just keep on pushing through. I can do this. It's only for a couple more years. Ok, let's focus on today. Today I can work all day and get my homework done. I can do that.

A doormat no more

2010-01-28T09:32:00.000-08:00

It appears that the less time I spend being a doormat, the more time old "friends" seem to disappear. I don't think they appreciate the change the way I do. Sorry kids, you no longer get to use my face to clean your shoes. If you don't like the fact that I am moving onward and upward, good, get the hell out of my way.

I can no longer lay idly still as I address everyone's concerns but mine. It leaves me lonely, used, and extremely exhausted. I don't like my emotions to be toyed with.

This change and shedding of old people is good. It gets me away from all that is sick and holds me down in this world. I told my mom when I was 3 that friends are like carpools, people are constantly getting in and out of the car. Well, that sure is true. Sometimes friends don't grow together, we grow apart. That has to be ok, because we have no other choice.

A Psychic Ability?

2010-01-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream. I was just an observer from the ground, but could hear what was happening in the plane. There was a man with a bomb aboard and they needed to land the plane to remove this gentleman in hopes of diverting disaster. In my dream, the landing didn't go so well, a wing was lost, but every one on board was just fine. I watched calmly as if this would all have a fine ending.

I woke up this morning and showered, knowing it was just a dream. I didn't think much of it. I turned on the morning news, which I never do because I am normally gone by that time. She started, "Breaking News!" and continued on to explain how a plane that had left LaGuardia airport in NYC had a man on board who said he had a bomb. They had to make an emergency landing somewhere in Pennsylvania. My mouth hit the floor. It was like a scene out of a creepy movie.

I wanted to share this experience with someone and called my mother. She reminded me that I had always been intuitive and slightly psychic. She thought the experience was great, minus the man with the "bomb", and reassured me that this is just who I am. I guess sometimes I simply don't stop and listen enough. I get caught up in day to day life and forget to listen to my intuition and what the universe is telling me.

So, universe... thanks for the reminder.

Back to School

2010-01-12T10:54:00.001-08:00

So, it begins again... another school year, another degree. I sure am anxious. I am slightly nervous and totally excited. Counseling... should open up a lot of doors for me mentally, emotionally. They say that you have to reflect on yourself many times throughout this program. I know it will be difficult, but it'll be good for me. For my relationships with others.

Sometimes I worry I'll start to think so differently during and after this next degree that I won't be me anymore. I know I will change and grow. I just hope it's for the best. It is what you make of it, right?

I believe I am a chronic student, a lifer. I already graduated from high school, with my BA in Psychology, and my MA in Human Sexuality Studies. I've only been out of school for 2 years but I am drawn to go back. I have it stuck in my head that with education becomes opportunities. But, in theory, I am already educated. So, why go back? Because NO ONE knows what to do with a degree in Human Sexuality. It doesn't help me get a better job. Nope, here I am, working as a glorified secretary. I am too over qualified for this. I know this. Why am I afraid to move on? I could be doing so much more.

I guess going back to school makes me happy. I love learning. I get so bored if I am not learning. Hopefully after this next degree I will be able to keep learning and have a career, not just a job to pay the bills. I sure am happy to be going back to school. I really hope being in school full time and working full time will be doable. If not, school comes first. Always.

Happiness is NOT an illusion

2010-01-04T09:25:00.001-08:00

For awhile there, as you can tell from my blogs, I was super down and out. It wasn't easy to smile and some days I was unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, now I am finally out of the tunnel, watching the birds, the deer, enjoying the snow on the ground.

Today, I am happy. I think it has to do with letting go. I finally, without a doubt in my mind, have let go. Let go of the poison, the pollution, the people who make my heart feel sad. I am with me now, strong, silent, loving. I like the me that I am and no one gets to take that away from me anymore. I like Liz, hell, I love Liz. I know it's weird to type that, but for a long time I couldn't even bring myself to think it.

I thank the New Year, the Blue Moon, and my strength. This is a new decade, a new chapter. In this chapter, I shall succeed. I shall smile more. I shall laugh more. I will put my time and energy into those people who I love. Those who deserve my laughter, my spirit, and my love. To all those that beat me down, I will no longer allow people who abuse me to remain in my heart. Not for today... and certainly not for tomorrow.

Humanity

2009-12-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

Man, I feel like a lot is going on lately with humanity, or lack there of. Is it the painful experience for those at the holiday's that make them snap? I mean, I know I am having a hell of a time this lovely holiday season. My fuse is short and my tongue is sharp. I am not proud of any of this. I struggle immensely with it all. I try.

My uncle was neglected, beaten, and left for dead. He remains in a coma, kidneys shot. I pray he makes it, but his situation was so terrible, what would be best for him? No one knows but him. I give him strength to make the decision to fight or let go. I love him, that's all I need to know.

A child was brought into The Children's Hospital with severe brain damage and cigarette burns all over his arms and legs. He was only 3 weeks old. How could parents do this to their child, hell, a 3 week old helpless baby?

My friend asked her girlfriend to leave her house because their relationship was over. This girl stole her computer, cameras, clothes, and an external hard drive with invaluable pictures. Some people are severely heartless.

I was told today that I am insane, crazy really and that "everyone" thinks that about me. Well, I don't know where to put that. I am not the most stable person I've ever met, but I am not insane. My friends don't seem to think I am insane. But I let it get inside me and hurt me. It breaks my heart. Always. Should I care? No. The people who think this don't matter to me. My heart hurts.

A co-worker's best friend drank a bottle of vodka, walked into the garage, started the car, and fell asleep. Was it suicide, was she going to drive somewhere and pass out? What was so wrong to make this happen?

Like I said, maybe it's the holidays or maybe most of us are simply insane. I can't figure it out and the more I try, the crazier I get. Maybe I am self-destructing. Just maybe. I don't know. I wish I knew.

It's just the way it is.

2009-12-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so on a less Emo note than my recent posts... I am over the withdrawal, now it's just about slight management. After all the yelling, the screaming, and crying. I am finally done with all of it. I look back now and am slightly relieved. The worst is over. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I finally can see that this entire thing isn't, nor has ever been about me. I am not saying I don't have a place in any of it. I am simply saying, her issues are hers, not mine. And I don't need to try and take them on. I don't need to save anyone but myself.

She's like a drug

2009-12-08T08:57:00.001-08:00

She is like a drug. Sorry to sound like a horrible Kelly Clarkson song, but shit... I can't think of another analogy. The withdrawal phase is here now. I can't do anything about it but fight it out. I need to get over the muscle pain, headaches, and cold sweats, just like a drug addict needs to do in order to get clean and live a happier, healthier life.

Ok, so maybe my participation in AA makes me see life this way, but she is a drug, a comfort, a conflict, something that I have loved for so long. When it's time to let go, it isn't easy, but it must be done... for me. Having cut things off cold-turkey, I long for a text from her, a grin, a "hey, how you doing?" Alas, it never comes. It helps me to see everyday just how little I matter to her. It's a steep curve in a very long learning lesson.

I stopped crying about the situation last week. I'm not sad. I'm not shocked. However, I am sad and shocked. It's a balancing act of figuring out what is the best for me. Walking away sounds good, but it is so much easier said than done. That's just life right? Another drug I lunged onto and another drug I must peel myself away from. This process has never killed me before, nor will this. It just aches a little. Less than it ever has before. I'm on the right path, I just wish I could see the forest through the trees. Forest, where the fuck are you?

It aches

2009-12-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yep, you guessed it. I mean my heart. It aches. Losing people in your life is hard. I'm at the point where I have no option but to walk away. Say good-bye after all these years. This is tougher than I thought it would be. No wonder I put it off for so long. But, alas, it is time to let go. This will be a good thing in the long run, or so I hope.

In my heart, I hurt. I feel torn apart and have a million emotions taking over my body: I am sad, angry, rageful, anxious, shattered, and perfect. I just need to hold onto letting go, and sit and watch it go. I have to hold on to letting go, no matter how much my heart is ripped apart. I have to follow through this time.

I hate that something that will be good for me in the long run, hurts so bad right now. I can make it through this pain. I've lost many things in this world and I can do this again. God grant me strength to make it without getting completely disheveled.

My heart on my sleeve

2009-12-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

I can't stand it when I get like this. I become emotionally involved with a woman, who has NO intention of ever being with me or loving me. It's like a sick game I play with myself. Do I like the pain? Like, who the FUCK does what I do? I sit around contemplating constantly, knowing my brain is a hamster wheel that I have no idea how to stop. I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to dream about her. And I certainly don't want to see her out and about.

I am furious with myself for letting my emotions take over my rationality. It makes me so upset, it's like I watch it happening. I can see it coming from a mile away. I don't want to see her, but then she will sweet talk me for a little while, ask me to come hang out. I always go. I let my emotions drive my heart. I need to let her go. I have actually gotten down on my hands and knees and prayed, to a God I don't necessarily believe in, that my feelings for her would be taken away. I want them gone.

I watch my rationality slip away. It's like, my mind knows every twist and turn and every direction things will turn out. I know this is acurate and that I will only be let down. However, my heart comes in a swipes my rationality away. I struggle with not only finding the rational but on following through.

I don't know how many times I have said good-bye. At this point it's no longer a threat, it is just a God damn joke to her. But, I put myself in this situation. I've laid down in hell and decided to accept it. Welp, no more, man. I am tired and exhausted and so tired of crying. If I give all my energy away to one person, what's left? It's time I start focusing on the people who do matter in my world and even focusing on myself. I need to let go. I have to let go.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Someone help me, I'm trying to climb out of this black hole.

The Wedding Ring Game

2009-11-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

Oooo, she's hot... I think to myself. I look down, boom, she has a wedding ring. All women these days who are attractive and worth looking at, seem to have wedding rings on. I find myself frustrated.

I'm frustrated, because I thought she was a homo. Nope, another straight girl. I think the older I get, the harder it is to figure out who is datable material. Women in their 30s start to cut their hair, wear comfortable clothes, and look more, well, gay. It's screwing up my ability to spot a gay.

Dang, that girl is cute! Oh, she has a husband, damn it. I mean, this just happened to me, minutes ago, in the coffee room. So, do I just continue to flirt with everyone in hopes one of them happens to like women and begins to fancy me, or do I stop flirting all together, because clearly these women aren't avaliable.

Damn those wedding rings. Damn the fact I can't get married. Damn the fact that gay people wear wedding rings at all. I hate the institution of marriage. I don't want to own another human being, to put a ring on her, to signal she is mine. But if everyone stopped wearing wedding rings, how would I have any clue who was avaliable and who was taken? But those damn rings, just a fucking joke, watching the gay community assimilate into the straight community. They long for acceptance...

I don't care about the acceptance. I'm sure at least once a day, someone sees me, thinks I'm gay, and doesn't approve. Well F that. C'est la vie. But if I look real close at this person, I bet you they are wearing that wedding ring. Sickening.

Sitting in the quiet.

2009-11-22T17:35:00.000-08:00

Like always, my brain was running overtime. I was tired of thinking, re-thinking, and thinking about it again. So, I decided I was giving it too much energy, so I stopped. I just stopped. Stopped talking, stopped wishing, stopped caring. I was finally pushed too far. It was all to abusive. It had to end. I watch myself now, should I text? No. It'll only open up a dialogue not worth having. I put the phone down.

Used to being sent texts all day, every day, it is now quiet. There is no more of a constant cringe every time my phone goes off. I wasn't worried because I knew that everyone who would be contacting me wouldn't be writing to put me down. It was a relief. I sit now in the quiet, slightly uncomfortable and a little more anxious. However, I seem to be smiling more and enjoying the world. I think I forgot to see the beauty every day.

Insurance Rage

2009-10-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Just like many people in this country, I am livid with my insurance company. Luckily, I am one of the many that does have insurance, thanks to my job. However, all insurance sucks. I finally get on meds to stabilize the crazy and now my insurance won't cover it? Correction, my Kaiser doctor, who said she'd do what my outside shrink wanted, now says that she won't do that.

Oh my god, no one wants to hear this shit, even me! I have bored myself just typing the first paragraph. Sick. A day of rage persists. As long as I can sit here quietly for another hour and a half and drive home without incident, all shall be fine.

Oh surgery, oh surgery, why does my heart make a fool of me...

2009-10-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, I get it. "You're tough," "you'll be fine,""it'll be over and done with soon." I get it. So, please don't leave a comment of how I'm gunna be ok. I know I will. There is no other choice.

Am I nervous? Absolutely. I'm nervous about being out of work for 2-6 weeks and paying my bills. I'm nervous that the surgery won't work and I'll still be in pain, or more pain for that matter. I am torn, wanting to enjoy my time off but not being able to do anything. I am freaked out that the doctor prescribed me so many pain killers. I am an addict after all.

Luckily, I have a high pain tolerance. I sit through hours and hours of tattoos, have been pierced 13 times in my face and ears, and have lived with this shoulder pain for a while already. But, how bad is this going to hurt? I mean, 60 painkillers. Is that needed or is my doc just careless with his prescription pad? I don't think it is my surgeons neglect, I think I might actually need all of them. In that case... I am afraid of the pain that will be created.

I know, I know, shut up... I have a thousand different reasons to be optimistic. I am optimistic for the long run results. But, I needed to voice my fears, because the second I raise concern, people stop me to tell me how it'll all be ok. Let me finish my concerns, damn it! So, I vent here, even if it is to no one on an internet blog lost deep in cyberspace.

The Wedding

2009-10-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful wedding. The brides, the food, the scenery, the wind, the smiles, the love. It all worked. It was the most phenomenal wedding I've ever been to. I watched a beautiful couple supported by those around them, proclaim their love. It was truly one of the most incredible things I have ever been lucky enough to witness.

I think back at the wedding, only two days past, and I still tear up. I think of the raw emotion that was expressed by the guests, the brides, and myself. The feeling throughout the attendants was extreme, I've never been surrounded by so much love and support. I smiled and cried nearly the whole time. I cried for the love, their lives, the beauty, and for one of my best friends, who was finally so happy.

She and I had a kind of relationship that was a romantic friendship. In a way I'll always look at her differently, that she occupied a different part of my heart. We always knew we loved each other in our hearts, as very close friends. It was discussed many times. We filled a space for a moment in time for one another. I watched in the wings as she married the love of her life. It was beautiful.

My emotions played out far more than I ever realized they might. I am so happy for my friend, her partner, their son. Once again my cynical side has been blanketed by beauty. I, too, am happy.

San Francisco and Denver

2009-10-01T17:49:00.001-07:00

Comparing these two cities is like comparing apples and oranges, hell, bananas and goats. They are so very different, but they both hold a place in my heart, not to be rallied by much more in this world. Both have played such an important role in my life. I have grown in both towns, laughed, cried, and have fallen madly in love.

I visit San Francisco now, as a visitor, as someone who is scoffed at when they say, I used to live here, but now I live in ..... enter whichever city you find fit. At the end of the day, the locals will look down on you. Wondering, how could you ever leave. Asking Denver!?! It's always posed as a question. Wondering, why would you ever leave a place like this for a city full off bulls, rodeos, and cowboy boots.

I say, my friend, while Colorado is a big state and every now and again you see a redneck driving his F250 down the highway, Denver isn't like that. Plus, did you miss the same exact scene pass you while we were on the bay bridge this morning on the way into San Francisco? Like I said, apples and oranges, tomaaato to-ma-to. It's cut throat here, even though a presence is maintained that this isn't the case.

It is true, one does leave their heart in San Francisco, well, part anyway. For now, the rest of my heart belongs in the country music singing, cowboy hat wearing, Colorado. Ok, totally kidding, I listen to indie music, wear converse and a baseball cap.

So Long Sweet Misery

2009-09-09T13:07:00.001-07:00

Nope, these aren't my words, but I sure do feel this exact way, right now.

So Long Sweet Misery - Brett Dennen

So Long, my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Daylight lives like a burden for me
so I escape
sent it strewn about the street
beyond the ruins of my ancestry
far past the pages of my disbelief
I rose from my moat
like a ghost from a grave
sunken in the salty eyes of the wandering displaced
I was heading through the mist across the golden gate
all of my rebellions fall into the fog of fate

So long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Spring time came again
and Icarus fell
I flew past the numb lipped nuns who'll never tell
the secrets of the sailors and their 7 year spell
I will not fall, nor will my wings ever melt
if I could I would wash all these wounds away
I would surround your room with a sense of mental grace
I would paint your portrait over everything mundane
more colorful than Easter Sunday

so long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

put me on a boat
leave my inhibitions at bay
my mind is spilling
but I haven't much to say
I was running through the canyons
pulse the echoes of your name
you were laughing at me like
the sun laughs at a flame
put me on a page in a book of beginnings
let me scroll me through old volumes of ancient teachings
let me reveal in all of these forgotten feelings
lay me with the wretched in the arms of my queen

so long sweet misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

no I haven't slept in centuries
I haven't slept in centuries

Loss

2009-08-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

Today hurts. Yesterday was terrible. This job can be so difficult.

"Liz, Liz" I hear her yell, "Get Alison!"

I walk to Alison's desk and find her on the phone. I return "she is on the phone."

"I need her right now, I am walking a Dad through CPR on his kid, get her now!"

This time I run, explain it to Alison, and she hangs up the phone. We run back. The phone is put on speaker. We all stand around listening to this poor father giving CPR to his child, you can hear the scuffle as the EMTs enter the room. Click, the phone goes dead.

"Liz, get everyone to the Emergency Department, tell them to meet us there. This little boy is down and being brought to us."

The frantic rush begins. I start paging our transplant doctors, our social worker, our coordinators. I'm at the helm of the control center, making sure everyone knows this poor 6-year-old has arrested and is on his way in.

Everyone finally knows, my storm is over and their storm begins. When the child and his father finally arrive, it is clear the child is DOA. After continuing to work with on the child, time of death is called. Our Transplant doc has to go inform the father, who clearly falls apart. His wife has yet to arrive, on her way from Colorado Springs. Dad sits and waits, alone. Knowing he just lost his son. He doesn't call his wife because he doesn't want to tell her while she is driving.

I have the utmost respect for the people I work with on a daily basis. Our jobs are hard, hell, sometimes they are next to impossible. It is our job. We do it well. But we can't save everyone. It is a hard reality and an even harder reality to think what his family is going through. How does someone survive the loss of their child. I don't even have kids and I cannot imagine it.

Today is a somber day, with thoughts of the boy, his family, and the collective experience we all went through together. I wish him peace.

My New House

2009-08-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to announce that my hunt for a house/desire to stay where I am at, has come to an end. I found a brilliant row home 2 blocks from Sloans Lake. The more I looked at places, the more I realized I didn't want to leave The Highlands or Sloans Lake. So today, I narrowed my search and I found her.

Despite the fact I had to leave work early after "losing my breakfast" in the many stalled bathroom, I found a place I had to see. I walked, because it wasn't safe for me to drive. When I got there, I knew I had arrived.

I'll finally have a house, yes a row home, but I now have my own front porch, back yard, study, basement, dining room, etc. I can finally use my dresser as a dresser, not as an entertainment center. The cats can run around. I can have an art studio and a woodworking shop! And they'll be in different places. I can have people over to hang out, to BBQ, to relax.

Although I feel like psychical hell, I am happy in my heart. Anyone who knows me can tell you that my house is my peace. It is my sanctuary away from the world. I can finally have all the things I've been hoping for. I listened to the universe and it all came together. And according to my August horoscope, today was the day I was to make a big decision and listen to my heart, knowing it will pan out. This is all part of the cleanse.

The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things

2009-08-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have renamed my summer: The Summer of Quitting Carcinogenic Things. I am sure the title could be shortened or more intellectual, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. It's my title, of my reality, of my anguish, and of my smiles.

It's like a cleanse of all things that are/were killing me slowly and sucking my will to live. This includes several women, a hard-core tobacco addiction, my living situation, and all the pain that I live with in my heart. I need to feel lighter within my chest, both literally and figuratively.

I have asked women to leave my life, who put me down and slowly beat me into a lifestyle where I believed that my opinion was stupid. That I am an asshole, that even I should hate myself and that I am always wrong. Well, the pattern rears it's ugly head again. I have to figure out how to stop this. From now on, I want to be respected, to be shown loyalty, and to be able to count on people. It's ok if only a few people fit this role... but I already know many that do. Both my family and my chosen family. To them I am eternally grateful.

I would like to find a balance so my heart can feel less isolated. Because the truth is, I love deeply, purely, and easily, and that's a beautiful thing. Maybe the fact that I do wear my heart on my sleeve makes me experience too much pain. Or maybe I just like to take risks for love, for the gift of being alive. I want to be open without building a wall around my heart.

Now I've already quit the drinking, which has taught me a ton about myself. I have to actually deal with my emotions, I can't just drink them away anymore. That's been a serious learning experience. Now I have been cigarette free for over 2 weeks. A hell of a start. Am I extra irritable? Yes. Am I hacking up a lung? Yes. Am I all achy like I am getting the flu? Yes. Is it worth it to see the kids I dream of growing up? Yes. I smoked for 15 years. That's a long time when you are only 29.

My twenties are going out with a irritable, isolated, anxious bang. But, I did have a psychic who once told me years ago, "Your 30's are going to be brilliant. That is when things are going to get much happier for you." Here's to hopin' that outlook is in my cards.

Oh Ink Patience Don't Fail Me Now!

2009-08-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

Every single day I want a tattoo... I am trying to be patient, as I am flying to San Francisco to get my tattoo finished at the end of September. That shall cure my tattoo need and clean out my bank account pretty quick. I guess that's what happens when you choose giant tats that take 15+ hours to finish.

But there are so many ideas brewing in my mind. I already have two ideas in my mind. I know what I will be adding next. I still am unsure where, but that will come to me. My other scare is that I have had all my work done by the same, brilliant man... so they all relate, look alike, and flow wonderfully. Only problem, he is in San Francisco. I now need to find a tattoo artist here in Denver. A whole different feat in and of itself.

My brain will figure it out, but for now, I will try and remain, well, patient.

It's never as easy as it looks

2009-08-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

Painting, boy is it a joy to me. I sit down, and let things flow through me... how I feel, what I see, using colors that inspire me, staying away from those that give me rage that day. It is an experience that is priceless to me. I lose all track of time.

I want a studio where I can paint, finish my book, and learn to whittle. Or, hell, even a second bedroom. However, I have made a new rule. I do not paint for anyone, I paint for me. If you like a painting and I don't want to hang on to it, it's all yours.

I painted something for a friend. I spent hours reeling over what to paint and just how to get it right. It turned out beautifully, knowing it would make my friend smile. I like bringing joy to others. When I went to arrange a time to surprise her with it, because I know she is having a bad time lately, she said "I don't have time for that right now. I am too irritated." My initial reaction, FUCK YOU, you ungrateful bitch.

I didn't tell her I had to meet her today, I told her sometime. All of the sudden a brilliant painting became an object of heart ache to me. Why in the hell did I care to do it in the first place? Who is too irritated to accept a gift handmade by your "best friend"... which leads me to an entirely different discussion in my head if she is even my friend. Alas, I won't paint for anyone again. I paint for me because it is my peace.

The August Cleanse

2009-08-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

No, this post won't be about my a recent colonoscopy I had, its about my lease being up, my bank account scaring the crap out of me, and the ability to be able quit.

I took a risk and included a letter to my landlord with my last rent check, telling them I thought my apartment was overpriced due to my craigslist.org hunt-a-thon for a new place. I found I'd love a washer and dryer and boy a dishwasher would be nice! I was consistently torn between leaving my tree house in the sky for a different place with the amenities I needed, well wanted. I searched and searched and after two viewings, a denial and an acceptance, I decided to stay up in the hut with the birds.

The next day my phone rings. It's my landlord. Such a nice man. He tells me that he talked with the bookkeeper and they could lower my rent $50 a month. I jumped on it. I thanked him. After we hung up, I was smiling and I noticed he is calling again. He wanted to tell me thank you and that the only reason they could do this for me was because I was his only tenant who paid rent on time every single month. Suddenly I felt better that my rent check hit my overdraft for a whopping $600.

So, I am staying where I am and I am happy. I took an afternoon and did 10 loads of laundry that had been accumulating on my floor. I felt accomplished. I started to redesign my apartment in my mind. What could I move? What can I rearrange? With the help of my best friend in the entire world, we made a plan. I called my sister and asked if she could help me rearrange one day.

I asked her to help one day, because I know I have a lot of cleansing I need to do. Books and clothes and shoes.... oh my. The art is incredible, but things will change and move and the kits will learn to love it all over again. But before one must rearrange a lot of furniture, a lot of shit needed to be hauled out.

I just entered my closet, garbage bags in tow, and filled up 3 in less than 10 minutes. I will drop them by Goodwill later this afternoon when I go water Dan's flowers.

On top of all this change and anxiety, I have quit smoking. It's been 6 days. I feel ok, I got the initial, my body quit smoking and now you will get sick, thing. I wear my patch, which seems to help, as I found out when I forgot to wear one on Wednesday. I thought quitting smoking would lower my tacky white trash level, but alas, it did not. I now gnaw on toothpicks like it is my career. Hopefully, this too shall pass.

It's been a while

2009-04-21T14:25:00.001-07:00

It sure has been a while since I have been here... and you know why? Cause I have been happy! I have a horrible habit of letting my journaling and blogging fall by the way side when I have a smile on my face.

Maybe it's because people like to write to bitch, because of intense emotions, pain, willingness, drive... I would feel bizarre right now talking about how life is all sunshine and roses. When you describe how good things can get, it can appear to the outside that you are bragging. I don't want to brag. I just want to inform all you real people behind your computer screens, that I am actually pretty damn thrilled about things lately.

This is a pretty high high after all that was so low. I mean, I have a good job, a cozy house, a supportive family and friends...and don't forget those adorable kittens. Now I have found the perfect addition, something that brings the biggest of smiles to my face. I finally got the girl. The wonderful, kind, silly, compassionate, sexy woman that holds my heart and makes things happen in my pants. I smile as I write this sentence.

You know, she loves me. I love her. Once again, I am afraid to put all my eggs in one basket. I fear they all might shatter. I've been there before. Alas, I think this lady is different. Only time will tell. Right Buzz?

Closing

2009-03-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

At the end of a memorial service, this was read. Brilliant.

When I die, give what’s left of me away to children
And to old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother walking the street beside you.

And when you need me,
Put your arms around anyone and give them what you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I’ve known or loved,
And if you cannot give me away, at least let me live in your eyes and not on your mind.

You can love me most by letting hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go of children that need to be free.

Love doesn’t die, People do.
So, when all that‘s left of me is love, Give me away

by Merrit Malloy

It opens up

2009-02-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

The world is a vast expanse of nothingness, spanning as far as the eye can see. No one gives a damn where I have wandered to. I don't give a damn.

The phone rings, "Hello?"
"Hello" I repeat.
"What are you doing?"
I blank, I have no idea.

I sit puzzled. What am I doing? I have absolutely no idea. I look around. The television is on, but the sound is off. I sit in a strange upright position that is unfamiliar to me. I can't remember thinking about anything. It was if I had no idea. I had lost that unknown amount of time. It was just gone.

I'd like to fancy myself and say I was on a higher spiritual plane through meditation, but I can't prove that is the case. I wasn't meditating at all. Just sitting. Finally silent. It is the first time in my life I can ever remember my brain doing nothing.

The anxiety was gone for that brief moment. It was incredible.

Oh what a night...

2009-02-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

late December back in '63. Ok, fast forward mid-February back in '09. Just doesn't have the same ring, does it?

Today we sat and watched the head of medical cardiac transplant cry. A man who sees death on a weekly basis. We sat silently as he cried for his dying mentor. For a man who has done so much for pediatric heart transplant. A man dying before his time of cancer. He will be gone in an approximated month and morbidly we sit around discussing how we will tell the patients he saw here. We all cried, some because of their respect and love for their mentor, others for unexplained reasons, and me for the pain of my mentor.

In 22 minutes a funeral will begin for one of our patients that passed away last week. I glanced down at my shoes as I said good-bye to the nurses who were off to attend the funeral. Afraid to look them in the eye because there is nothing to say. Nothing to do. Another good-bye.

I picked up my phone and checked a message I received while watching my boss cry. It was my personal doctor. She is concerned with my lab results and would like me to come in for an invasive procedure. Worried I may be bleeding inside. Nothing that will kill me, just another scare. Another irritation. Another worry.

Today is a hard day.

Wading Through the Psychological Sludge

2009-01-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

Walking along, feeling free, at peace with myself, head held high... enjoying the beauty that is around me. My steps are lighter and I move quicker across the ground. I hear the water that is so very calming to me. I daydream about things to come, the love I will feel, the smell of the concrete after it rains. The world is beautiful, my mind is at peace.

Beep, beep...

Wrenched out of my peace, I pick up the phone, glance at the screen and am covered in a shower of thick, black, sticky psychological sludge. It covers everything, pollutes the river, drips from the trees. It is hard to move, difficult to breathe. My chest is thick as my anxiety starts to rise. The inner peace fades from sight. My feet no longer glide across the concrete; there is a thick layer of muck...hard to wade through.

The layer of psychological sludge is not as heavy as last time, but I still need to clean it up. Shake it off the trees, remove it from the river, and work, work hard to make everything beautiful again. It's doable but the sludge is tiring, it is draining my energy, trying to take away my self-worth... making my heartbeat weaken and my walls start building back up.

I have to be quick to clean, not to let it stick to everything for too long or it will become permanent, polluting the peace and the beauty around me. I must move fast, the sludge doesn't get to win. Someone hand me a squeegee, please. Oh shit, I'll get it myself.

Living under water

2009-01-19T09:51:00.000-08:00

My head is heavy... water fills my brain. On an ocean, it makes me sick to my stomach. My head is cloudy, floating in the tides, weathering the ebb and flow, the ups and downs. I want to get off this boat. It doesn't agree well with me. But, I can't get off this boat. It is my life, it is in my head. My feet are on solid ground but the world around me sways. I want off this boat before I get sick. I try to remain calm because panicking will only make it worse. Breathe, focus, be still. How can I be still and quiet and lay down when I am at work? It can't happen.

Maybe I will close my eyes and start to believe that I am simply on a boat, on a fishing trip, it is part of the journey. My life will be one long fishing trip in which the rest of my existence is a dream. Sometimes It feels like I am watching someone brush their teeth and do the dishes but then I have a moment when I realize it is me, it is my life... before you know it I am right back watching myself again. Right back on my life long fishing trip.

Anger in it's evolution

2009-01-06T08:41:00.001-08:00

I am not a big fan of anger as an emotion. I find it to be draining, time consuming, and wasteful. However, today I am whole-heartedly enjoying the anger I feel in my heart. I am finding it as a tool for closure, for relief, to set boundaries, and to learn to love myself again. Figuring out slowly that after many relationships of being beaten down, worn away, and treated like shit, I started to actually believe that I was the worthless nothing they all told me I was.

This internal rage is making me wake up and see that I am not shit, I am a good person with a good heart, who puts my all into everything I do, say, and feel. I don't deserve the shit these women have put me through and I have allowed myself to go through. NO. I don't. I won't take it anymore! I am tired of letting women wound me and then dump massive amount of salt into the gapping sores.

If I don't start to grow and to set boundaries where this is not allowed, it will only happen again. I will attract another woman and let her abuse me verbally and mentally and be seduced into believing her lies. I will once again be afraid to leave, even if I am miserable.

I will move forward and upward, regaining my self-esteem, believing all the good things that my friends see in me, and smile a whole lot more. Today I feel weighed down but very free. It is a feeling I cannot descibe with words, it just is.

I'm grateful for my insanity.

2009-01-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

As I stood at the coffee counter this morning waiting for her to pour my morning addiction, it comes over me that I have forgotten my wallet. Do I think, damn it! How will I pay for this coffee? No, never crosses my mind. I panic thinking about how I just drove to work without my ID, how I can ask Kirsten to pay for our lunch maybe and I'll pay her back...all while I pat all my pockets in disbelief that I did this. Mind you, at the same time, I am paying the woman for my coffee as I freak out. Where did that money come from? From my wallet that was in my hands. I returned the wallet to my pocket without thinking about it and continued to freak out. About 100 yards later it hit me that I was just a dumb ass. My insanity never fails to keep me amused.

On a slightly different, still slightly insane note, I am finding peace and happiness with the universe today. Man, just when I was so down and out, broken hearted, with low self-esteem, beaten to a pulp and wanted to just give up, I find it just isn't that simple. After some serious reading and Liz getting her life back together time, through lots of crying and fears and re-establishment of new boundaries, Enter, new friend-old soul, who lives over 1000 miles away. I have entered into a realm I am not used to but am seeming to embrace and adore. This beautiful woman feels like a soul who I have connected with in many, many past lives. One that I have loved and cared for before my body ever formed. A soul that is comfortable with me and in me. It is a very good and strange, longed for kind of a feeling. Like I have spent this life, thus far, searching for this soul...being tricked into thinking I have found it time and time again, only to realize I was trying to make the other souls into the soul I wanted to find.

By no means am I packing up my bags and moving 1000 miles away, and I don't feel I need too. I have finally found this soul again and it makes me calm, happy, maybe even a little complete, even from a distance. I adore that she wants what I want in this life... but I feel this is so much larger than that.

The Grump, aka Me

2008-12-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am a total grump today. I try and put on a nice face when I talk to people but they can probably tell it isn't all that genuine. I feel a little crazy today. I mean, I don't want to harm anyone but I don't seem to like anyone or anything. Even my coffee is not my friend and that is just weird! In fact, I'd like to take that coffee cup and throw it at the wall. But that wouldn't be "work appropriate" now would it?

All these damn social rules we have to follow...man, I just want to freak out on all of them. I'd like to tell my co-worker where to shove her stethoscope, play bumper cars in traffic just to get people to move, scream just cause I can, wear jeans to work, hell, not even come into work. I adore the man in the movie Office Space...just start doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. Will that get me a better job and more money? Worked for him...but for some reason I don't think it'll work for me.

I want to punch my friend Dan, just cause I can. I want to sit in my apartment all day smoking cigarettes in my pajamas with endless cups of coffee and some shitty TV marathon on. But can I smoke in my apartment, no, cause the landlord says not to. Can I take a whole day just to lay there? No, cause I either have to be at work or my guilt will be telling me all the 1000 things I "should" be doing... and according to this fucked up society, spending an entire day watching TV would only make me a lazy fat slob.

Oh heaven help me break free of some of these "societal rules" so I can finally breathe!

Christmas Miracles!

2008-12-29T09:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so yeah, I'm not all into miracles and not entirely into Christmas, but today I have decided to call my transplant coordinators "My Little Christmas Miracles". Maybe I did it to make them laugh, but it just popped into my mind as I rounded the corner coming into work and they were all standing there.

As much as I dreaded returning to work today, it sure was nice to see their faces. It was a good start to a Monday, the hardest days of all my work days. It is busy, which I love cause the day flies right by, but it's hard cause we round about sick kids. It does make me rethink my own damn complaints and makes me want to buck the fuck up!

On the way to work this morning, I just kept repeating to myself "fake it till ya make it" cause that's what I need to do sometimes. It sure beats being all down on myself and forgetting to smile, cause that's really just a waste of a good day! Fake it till ya make it kids...

Me? Sexy?

2008-12-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

Not only is today a wonderful sunny Sunday, but I came home to a message from a woman on a dating/facebook-ish website. She doesn't live here, but she wrote me anyway because, well, she said my smile was too captivating not to write. She said my smile has had her tongue-tied for days. I was stunned, she even noted that I was sexy. Me? Sexy? Never really been told that. I always here that I am attractive or cute, but never sexy.

It felt awesome to be called sexy. I finally felt, well, sexy. A little odd but totally awesome. She really made me smile today, but once again, I need to realize that my self-worth needs to come from within and not what other people think. But damn, it felt wonderful.

The Blame Game

2008-12-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

No, I am not writing this morning to blame anyone for anything. I have been reading all morning about a certain mental illness and all the blame they project to make themselves feel better. I am starting to scratch the surface and actually believe that this wasn't my fault. Nothing I could do would have been the solution, nothing I could have done could have made the relationship last.

Luckily I am beginning to see that I should be happy that I dodged a bullet. That I was clearly being mentally abused and starting to feel the worthlessness of it all and of myself. Hold up, no, I am not perfect, but I don't have low self-esteem, I don't hate myself. I love the way I am and the way I treat people, hell I even think I am pretty damn good looking.

I am excited this morning as I approach the world outside of the blame game. Ok, you can never be outside of the blame game, but the way I am doesn't need to change, nor do the things I do as long as I treat others (including myself) with respect...what have I got to lose?

I have been criticized by some that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am far to quick to give myself and my heart away. Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't see this as a bad thing. I fall in love fast and hard with all kinds of people, places and things. I put myself out there so no one needs to guess what I think or what I feel. I am not into playing the games of "maybe I should wait 4 days to call her"... if I feel something, bring it on. I might leave myself a little more open to heartbreak and disappointment, but I sure do see some gorgeous things.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas Eve and I am at work, which fills a void so I don't sit at home and feel sorry for myself and the fact that my significant other is no longer with me. It makes it hurt a little less, but I have to be honest in the fact that I am nervous about the long weekend.

Most people are thrilled to have 4 days off to themselves, away from their jobs, to relax and run errands and do all the things they don't normally have time to do. I guess I am simply afraid of feeling lonely, trying to motivate myself to clean my apartment and spend time with people. I have a hope that I don't just lay on the couch and cry. I am conflicted because maybe that is what I need to do. Maybe I need to cry one in a while to let it out.

Either way, I know I will be ok.

The first

2008-12-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

Is this my first blog, yes. Do I know what to say, no. However, my brain spins like a hampster wheel with all the thoughts and all the craziness that I don't know how to release. Maybe it is ficticious to think that blogging will help. I hope blogging, like journaling, will help get out all of the crazy thoughts...in an arena where I can get them out and people can hopefully relate.

I am in the middle of trying to find myself. Just being dumped, having done little wrong, I find myself stuck and confused. Where were my boundaries? Why did I hang in there so long? What am I so afraid of? My mind reals with the questions and the answers never come. Maybe I am not supposed to know the answers.

As long as I grow from this, I will be fine, right?